


My Life is Yours to Take

by dreaming_wide_awake



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lexa will survive this, Season 3, change of plans, it is what it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 09:52:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5535434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreaming_wide_awake/pseuds/dreaming_wide_awake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Started as a Season 3 theory story (before the season aired). The trailer made me do it. Clarke goes to Nia, the Queen of the Ice Nation, for help as Camp Jaha sees infighting and political problems. How will she deal with heading to Polis when Nia asks her to get Lexa to help? Read and find out.</p><p>or:</p><p>This won't follow the Season 3 plot, though it does have elements of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Head over heart. Three words that Anya had drilled into her day after day, especially after she became Heda. Her heart was weak, selfish; telling her what she wanted for herself. Her head was what she needed to listen to for the good of her people, so that’s what she had done, time after time. The walls that she had built up around her heart were there for a very good reason, the price that would be paid for a moment of weakness on her part was unthinkable. It was never just her own life which she had to think about, it was thousands of others. People who looked to her for answers, looked to her to lead them, looked to her to always do what was best for them. Never what was best for herself. Her own needs were always last on a very long list of others. She had thought by now that she would be used to that, but the dull thud of pain that still resided in her chest told her otherwise. It had been three months. Three months since she had walked away from the mountain. Three months since she had turned her back on the new alliance with the Sky People. Three months since she had seen Clarke. She knew that the Sky People had survived the mountain. She knew that Clarke had survived. What she didn’t know was where the blonde haired girl was now.

If the only person Lexa had to think about was herself then she would never have walked away that night on the mountain, she would have stayed and fought. But the deal which was offered was too much for her to turn down. Her people would be free, at no further risk of attack from the mountain. She could take all her people and walk away, or she could stay and fight. It wasn’t only those people who had been on the mountain that night which Lexa would lose if they had lost the fight, her people would be more vulnerable to attack with her dead. If she had died that night her people wouldn’t be safe. So she had taken the only option she could, she betrayed the girl who trusted her, the girl who believed that they would win. But Lexa also knew that Clarke’s plan wouldn’t work. While the deal was offered Lexa was told that her people had been taken from the cages. Part of Clarke’s plan was to have those people led out through the Reaper tunnels of the mountain to safety, but as they had been moved before the army had arrived on the mountain, that would not work. They would have been fighting for nothing. Battling their way through the doors, through the guards and for what, to come across a room where all of Lexa’s people who had been in the mountain laid slaughtered.

As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, Lexa had managed to put the thoughts of Clarke to the back of her mind, concentrating instead on rebuilding Tondc, on preparing for the winter, on being the leader she was born to be. Though she had other things to occupy her mind, the blonde girl was always there, though it was no longer constant thoughts, now it was passing wonderings.

There had been rumblings of discontent amongst Lexa’s people, those who believed that she had made the wrong decision that night, those who felt they could no longer trust their leader. She had, after all, turned her back on an alliance. The coalition was on shaky ground anyway with the Mountain Men gone, they had been the enemy that the clans shared, yet now they were gone, there was nothing holding the coalition together other than Lexa herself. She had hoped that in the time that the clans had been united they had all seen the benefits of peace between them, but she knew that there were other forces at work who would like nothing more than for the coalition to fail, for Lexa to fall.

It had always been there at the back of her mind ever since she had been called to lead her people. The life of a Heda is not a very long one, and Lexa herself had lived longer than most had. Her life was limited, every time she put on her armor and went into battle she knew there was a chance she would not return. While most people thought about their lives in terms of years, Lexa had learned to think of hers in terms of months, of battles. Surviving war by war, day by day. That is the life she led, that is the destiny she had. Being called to lead her people was supposed to be an honor, most of the time Lexa could see it that way, but there were times where she hated it. Those times came when she was alone, when the night fell around her, when she was surrounded by silence. Sometimes she wished that she could just walk away into the forest, leave it all behind her and just exist. Maybe she could find a small place somewhere, where nobody would think to look for her, where she could just watch the days pass by with no responsibilities, where she would never have to think about anyone else’s survival but her own. But as the sun rose on those thoughts, they vanished off with the night.

She had heard whisperings from a few of her people who had recently returned to Polis from Azgeda territory, there were rumors around their capitol city that Clarke of the Sky People was there, though they talked about her as Wanheda rather than Clarke. It was a name that Lexa knew well, it translated loosely as Death Commander, or Commander of Death, though it was a meaning that could be taken a few different ways, none of which would sit well with Clarke herself. Though Lexa knew that her people meant it as a sign of respect, stories of the fall of the mountain were quickly becoming legend amongst her people, and Clarke was at the center of the story. As she had no idea of what the true story was Lexa had no real idea of what actually happened, but she was sure that a lot of the stories were certainly more fiction than fact. War stories tended to get slightly distorted the more people retold them, Lexa herself had heard how she personally stood and fought 100 warriors at the same time, alone. It had been a large number, after she had been backed into a corner during a battle, but she doubted it was that many. She knew the only way she would be told the true story of what happened that night inside the mountain was to talk to Clarke, Lexa believed that creating a peace treaty with the Pauna would be more likely than Clarke choosing to talk to her again.

If Clarke was indeed in Azgeda territory, Lexa knew that she would be there as a ‘guest’ of Nia, the Ice Nation Queen. In the nights that followed the fall of the mountain she had hoped that Clarke would find her way to safety, to a clan that would take care of her, she had been hoping that the blonde would find Luna and the Boat People, if she had gone West from Camp Jaha they would be the first clan she would come across. But Clarke had obviously gone North. Deep down the Commander knew that Clarke was more useful to Nia alive than she would be dead, so she knew that there was a good chance Clarke was safe with the Azgeda for the time being. She knew first-hand the devious nature of the Azgeda Queen, she had made Lexa’s life very difficult when she had first been called as Heda, she had also been the one who had kidnapped, tortured and beheaded Costia. She had needed a way to learn about the weaknesses in Lexa’s leadership, she had needed information on how to defeat her, so she had taken Costia, hoping that she would tell her everything she needed to know. She had also hoped that it would draw Lexa from Polis, if she could get her to attack while angry and unorganized, then there was a chance she could defeat her. Lexa never took her army north.

Her people in Tondc had told her about the unrest at the Sky People’s camp, there was a definite gap forming, two very individual groups were forming, but it was really none of Lexa’s concern. The Sky People no longer had an alliance with her people, she had no desire to get caught up in the disagreements they were having, she was having to deal with enough politics with her own people, it was nothing to do with her if the Sky People started fighting amongst themselves and killed each other. Though she had asked a small group of scouts to ‘discreetly’ keep her informed of what was happening at the camp. She told herself that it was so she would be warned in advance if they decided to attack her people, or if their actions became a threat to her own people, but she knew that wasn’t the only reason she did it. Clarke hated her, that much she was sure of, and she may not know exactly where the blonde girl was, but she could do her best to ensure that she still had a home to return to if she ever wanted to go back.

Lexa had been in a meeting with her generals when word reached them of a visitor to Polis, a blonde woman claiming to be there at the request of Nia. One of her men, who had been part of her army on the mountain, believed that the visitor was Clarke. Thinking quickly, Lexa ended the meeting and sent away the majority of her guard, if Clarke was in fact there at the behest of Nia, the Commander knew that the blonde was unlikely to attack her. She knew that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant meeting, and though she had thought about how a reunion with Clarke would go she was aware this was probably going to be painful for them both. Lexa wanted nothing more than to apologize to Clarke for leaving her on the mountain, she knew that she couldn’t. Apologizing would imply that she had done something wrong, as the leader of her people Lexa had made the right decision, and to now say that she was wrong would make her appear weak.

Her breath caught in her throat as the doors to the throne room opened and Clarke walked in. She had her hair braided and war paint over her eyes, she was dressed as a member of the Azgeda, which didn’t surprise Lexa as she had been told that Clarke was there because Nia asked her to be. The blonde walked with an air of confidence that set Lexa on edge, but she knew that it was just a mask. She could read Clarke like a book, she knew something wasn’t right. Her eyes were cold, Lexa had seen that look before on many of her warriors, it was something that told Lexa that Clarke was broken. She’d witnessed so much pain and suffering, she’d taken on everything that her people had asked of her, and it was destroying her. Lexa felt a pang of guilt in her chest, it was her fault.

“Commander,” Clarke said as she stopped in front of the raised platform where Lexa was currently stood, “thank you for agreeing to see me.”

“I was told it was important.” Lexa replied, keeping her voice as calm and level as her heart rate would allow, Clarke was acting so calm and collected, Lexa knew she’d have to see how this played out.

“It is important,” the blonde said as Lexa sat back down, “we need your help.”

“We?” Lexa asked, clenching her jaw slightly, already knowing what Clarke was going to say.

“The Azgeda.” Clarke replied, her face remaining emotionless as she looked at Lexa.

“Why does Nia need my help?” Lexa asked in reply, “and why did she send you?”

“She is helping me,” Clarke said, “and my people. I’m not sure what you know about what is happening at Camp Jaha at the moment…”

“Infighting,” Lexa said calmly, “political unrest. Two groups forming who disagree completely with each other. It happens in societies which are fractured, that do not have the strong leadership needed to keep everyone in line. I fail to see how that involves Nia, or my people.”

“One of the two groups is anti-grounder, if they take complete control over my people, and the technology that we took from the mountain, then they are a threat to everyone,” Clarke said, “that is why it involves your people.”

“What does Nia hope that I will do?” Lexa asked, “Is she hoping that I will send soldiers?”

“Isn’t that what you do when one of your clans starts a war?” Clarke asked, stepping a little closer to where Lexa was sitting, “Send in your armies? Isn’t that one of the bonus points of this whole coalition?”

“I will send troops to defend people who are in danger,” the Commander replied, “I will not send my soldiers to die in a war which I had no say over. Nia is the one who is marching her army on your camp, she is the one who is going to war with the Sky People, not me. The rules of the coalition clearly state a clan who enters into a war without coalition backing will not receive reinforcements. She should have sent word to me about this before, if she was expecting my assistance, she was aware of what that would take.”

Lexa moved to stand up, indicating that the meeting was over.

“Lexa, please,” Clarke said, stopping Lexa in her tracks, “my people are going to end up killing each other, I need your help…”

“We have no alliance with your people.” Indra said from where she was standing near the door, “We have no duty to protect you, or save you from yourselves.”

“I will discuss your request for help at the next meeting with my generals.” Lexa said, not looking up from where her eyes were fixed on the floor.

“Heda…” Indra said, shutting up when Lexa looked at her.

“When is that meeting?” Clarke asked, “I would like to be there, to argue our case.”

“Tomorrow,” Lexa replied, “one of my people will arrange somewhere for you to stay the night, and they will escort you there tomorrow.”

“Am I to remain under constant guard Commander?” Clarke asked, a challenging tone in her voice.

“Do you need to be?” Lexa asked in reply, looking at the blonde who didn’t reply, “you are free to travel around the city as you choose to, but you will be asked to hand over your weapons before you do so.”

“Why?” Clarke asked, “I’ve seen others walking around with weapons, why should I remove mine?”

“You are here at the request of Nia, as representation for the Azgeda,” Lexa explained, “No Azgeda are armed in my city.”

“That doesn’t seem very fair.” The blonde said with a small smirk on her lips.

“It may not seem fair to you, but it is understandable given the Azgeda’s history with the other clans.” Lexa replied, “You can keep your weapons if you remain in your quarters, the choice is yours.”

Lexa walked from the raised platform and headed to a door on one side of the room. She didn’t look back as she walked through the door, closing it behind her. As soon as the door was closed she leant back against the wall, taking a deep breath to try and steady her heartbeat. Closing her eyes, she rested her head back against the wall. Like she had told Clarke, usually she wouldn’t send troops to assist a clan who had started a war they couldn’t win without consulting with her about it first, it’s how she had kept so many of her people alive and it also changed their views about fighting. Everything before Lexa had become Heda had been about fighting, every minor disagreement was settled with the pointy part of a sword, her refusal to send assistance to every little battle soon made the other clans a little more cautious about starting wars. Nia knew that, but Lexa was willing to bet that Nia also knew that she would have a hard time refusing Clarke’s request for help.

While Lexa was considering the long term implications of her helping Clarke, the door she had just walked through opened and Indra walked into the small side room Lexa was currently standing in.

“Are you sure this is wise?” The older woman asked as Lexa pushed herself away from the wall and walked over to stand at the open window.

“Am I sure what is wise, Indra?” Lexa asked, her head held high as she gripped her hands behind her back.

“Having Clarke of the Sky People here in Polis, and agreeing to discuss the Azgeda request for assistance.” Indra replied, walking closer to where Lexa was standing, “I know you feel guilt over the choice you made that night on the mountain, but this is not the way to make right any wrongs you believe you have committed.”

“This has nothing to do with…” Lexa started to say.

“It has everything to do with that,” Indra said, interrupting Lexa, “if you had not chosen the way you did, if you had not taken the deal, then we would not be needing to make the choices you are now faced with.”

“If I had not taken us away from the mountain that night then we would still have an alliance with the Sky People,” Lexa replied, letting Indra get away with interrupting her, “Nia would not have any kind of agreement with Clarke, and the Sky People would not be fighting amongst themselves. The best case scenario would be the alliance between our people being strengthened, the worst case we would all be dead so it wouldn’t matter. My choice to help Clarke has nothing to do with what if’s and what would have possibly happened… It has to do with the stability of my people. I send assistance to Camp Jaha and stop the infighting, then the anti-Grounder faction of the Sky People will not be in a position to do us harm.”

“You have been aware of the situation at the Sky People’s camp for the last few days,” Indra said, “yet this is the first time you have been inclined to send assistance. Let me ask you this, if it had not been Clarke who had asked for help, would you even be considering it?”

“It will benefit my people.” Lexa replied, her eyes fixed on the world beyond the window.

“You need a clear head to approach this situation, Commander,” Indra said as she turned and walked back towards the door, “I believe that your mind is clouded by emotion and a false sense of guilt, I will be making my thoughts known to the other generals before the meeting.”

As Indra walked from the room Lexa let out the deep breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

As the night fell over the city, Clarke sat at the table in the room one of Lexa’s people had brought her to earlier that day. She had expected it to be more of a fight for Lexa to agree to help her, she couldn’t help but think that Lexa should have been approached for help before the Ice Nation were, but Clarke also knew that wasn’t an option as far as her people were concerned. She was in the Azgeda capitol when word arrived of unrest at Camp Jaha, so she had done the only thing she could do, appeal to Nia for help on the behalf of her people. She couldn’t really remember how she had reached Azgeda territory, all she remembered was walking until her legs physically couldn’t carry her anymore, then she rested for a short time, before continuing. She’d had no idea where she was going, or how long she had been away. She had tried counting the days, but as they started to blend together she gave up. Then one morning she had woken up in an unfamiliar room, she was wounded though she couldn’t remember how it happened, and she had no idea where she was or if she was even safe.

A few days had passed before the woman looking after her wounds explained where she was. Clarke remembered Lexa telling her that the Ice Nation Queen was responsible for Costia’s death, she remembered the stories that the Commander had told her about the clan from the north, the blonde had tried to escape when the first opportunity presented itself. She didn’t even leave the room before someone came to stop her, they explained that they were there to help her, not harm her. They told her that Nia wanted to talk to her when she was well enough, and over the following days they had done nothing to make Clarke suspect that she was in any danger.

Over the following weeks she had healed enough for her to be allowed to move freely around the compound they were in. She talked to Nia, she talked to a lot of people and she was failing to see anything remotely threatening about them. Clarke’s physical wounds healed a lot faster than her mental ones did. The visions of what she had done in the mountain kept her awake most nights. She found that once she started to open up about what had happened it was easier for her to deal with it, or so she thought. When it came time for her to ask Nia for her help, to save her people, Clarke believed she knew her well enough to trust her. She hadn’t been too happy about being the one who had to go to Polis, but it was the first step in the plan which she and Nia had managed to come up with. If everything went to plan, the outcome would be something that benefitted both people.

Clarke knew when Lexa agreed to discuss her request with her generals, that part one of the plan was complete. She had done as Nia had suggested, if Lexa ended the meeting without some kind of agreement then appeal to her emotional side, and it had worked. Seeing Lexa again had brought back all the feelings of anger and betrayal which Clarke had felt in the months since the fall of the mountain. Feelings which Clarke had tried to bury. Feeling nothing at all was better than feeling the mass of emotions she felt when it came to the Grounder Commander. She hated her, despised what she had done, but she also felt stupid for having trusted Lexa as fully as she had. People had tried to tell her that she couldn’t trust Lexa, that she shouldn’t trust her, but she did. She had told them that they could trust the Commander, that the plan was going to work. If she hadn’t blindly trusted Lexa, if she hadn’t driven her people to depend on her, then nobody would be where they were now. The Sky People wouldn’t be fighting amongst each-other, Clarke wouldn’t have to go back to Lexa for help, nor would she have had to make an agreement with Nia.

All Clarke had to do now was play the part Lexa believed she would play. Go to the meeting with the generals and plead for their help to save her people. She knew Nia had already started the army marching towards Camp Jaha, they had left the Azgeda capitol the same day Clarke did. Then once it was over she would finally be able to start to heal emotionally and mentally. Once she knew her people were safe and Nia gets what she wants, Clarke knew that she would have time to figure out who she was again.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Since she had seen Clarke earlier that day, a small yet very persistent voice had been making itself heard in Lexa’s head. It was telling her to follow her gut, and her gut feeling was that she couldn’t trust Clarke. She wanted to, and if Clarke had come to Polis with the sole intention of getting Lexa’s help for her people, then maybe Lexa would have been more inclined to place some measure of trust in her. But she didn’t. Her first answer when Lexa had asked who ‘we’ was, had been the Azgeda. Which lead Lexa to believe that they were her priority in this case, which in turn was something that didn’t sit right with Lexa.

She knew Clarke, she knew how she operated, she had spent enough time around her to know that her people would never come second, they would never be an after-thought. That thought only served to bolster Lexa’s original thought that Clarke was broken, something had snapped inside the blonde girl, and Lexa knew the longer it took for her to fix it, to repair the damage that had been done, the more dangerous the next few days would be. Lexa herself knew through experience that the best time to impart your views on someone was when they were at their most vulnerable. It was a tactic that had been used many times, by Lexa and other clan leaders, to get people to turn on those in charge, to turn them into a spy for your cause. If Nia had gotten to Clarke at a time when the blonde was at her most damaged she could have turned her mind. That would be dangerous for Lexa.

She was snapped from her thoughts by a knock at her door.

“Yes…” she said, looking over at the door as Indra walked in.

“A small group of Azgeda arrived in the city at nightfall,” Indra said calmly, “they surrendered their weapons as requested and informed us that they will be remaining here for no more than a week.”

“Curious timing…” Lexa replied, narrowing her eyes a little, “keep a discreet eye on our visitors, if they are meeting up with Clarke or anyone else of interest I want to know about it.”

“Yes, Heda.” Indra said with a slight nod, before she turned to leave the room.

“Oh and Indra,” Lexa said, stopping her in her tracks, “I want a small scout team sent to Camp Jaha, I want to know what I’m walking into.”

Indra nodded her head again before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

“If I’m walking into a trap I at least want to know what to expect…” Lexa said to herself as she walked over and sat on the chair near the roaring fire.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke pulled her hood around her face more as she lowered her head and made her way through the bustling city streets of Polis. There was an energy that seemed to flow around the city, it was the energy of life, of survival. Any other time Clarke would have loved to soak it all in, lose herself in the crowds and vanish off into the life of the city. But she didn’t have time for that. Following the brief directions, the note she had received an hour earlier had given her, she finally reached a tavern in the dingy part of Polis. As she opened the door every head turned to face her, after a quick glance around her to see if there was any immediate threat, she walked towards the bar. It didn’t take her long to find who she was looking for, as soon as she had got a drink a man motioned for her to follow him. She followed him down a corridor towards a back room, when he opened the door she could see the 4 Azgeda soldiers Nia had sent.

“When did you get here?” Clarke asked Ontari as she sat down at the table opposite the other girl.

“A little over two hours ago,” she replied, “it gave us some time to take a look around, find out where you were, and find somewhere to stay.”

“You couldn’t have found somewhere better?” Clarke asked in reply, “this place is a bit of a dump.”

“You obviously haven’t figured out just how unwelcome the Azgeda are here in Polis just yet,” Ontari replied with a short laugh, “doesn’t matter what we have of value, we’d never get anywhere better than this. And it’s up to you to make sure we’re not here too long.”

“Well I’ve actually made more progress than I thought I would already,” Clarke said, “she agreed to meet me as soon as I arrived.”

“I bet she was on her knees begging you to accept her help, right?” One of the others said with a laugh, they had all heard from Nia about how much of an asset Clarke would be when it came to the Commander.

“Not exactly,” Clarke replied, “she pretty much flat out refused at first.”

“Till you batted your eyelashes and smiled, right?” Ontari asked with a roll of her eyes.

“Are you jealous?” Clarke asked with a smirk.

“Please…” the other girl said with a sigh as she shook her head a little.

“Anyway, she said that she’ll talk about it with her general’s tomorrow.” Clarke said, “which in my experience means that it’s going to happen, once Lexa takes something to her generals it’s not usually for their approval.”

“So why bother included them at all?” Ontari asked.

“Makes them feel important, I guess,” Clarke replied with a shrug, “makes them feel like she’s including them.”

Ontari had been one of the first people Clarke had clicked with in the Azgeda city, she wasn’t much older than Clarke, and had a sense of fun which Clarke found addictive. Nia complained a lot about the amount of time Clarke was spending with her, she said more than once about how she wasn’t the sort of influence which would be helpful for Clarke. But she was wrong. Ontari had helped Clarke forget what she had done, forget what happened that night on the mountain, even if it was only for a few hours. Once Nia realized that she assigned Ontari to help Clarke become more accustomed to their way of doing things, she had taught Clarke to fight, taught her to speak their language and because the blonde girl trusted her, Nia had made sure that the other girl was one of those who went to Polis.

She needed someone to keep an eye on Clarke, make sure that she didn’t start having second thoughts about the plan. She needed Clarke to remember everything that Lexa had done, the Azgeda she had sent to Polis were there to gently remind her whenever she seemed to waver.

“How do we find out what gets said in the meeting?” Ontari asked, “it would be good if we knew who was going to be there, that way we can find out if any would be… sympathetic to our cause.”

“You’re not going to find anyone within her generals who is anything but loyal to Lexa,” Clarke explained, shaking her head a little, “they are the people she trusts the most, the ones who would die to protect her. Nothing you can say to any of them will turn them against her.”

“You’d be surprised what the promise of a prominent position in the next leadership can do to sway a person.” Ontari replied, leaning back in her chair a little as she smiled, “Anyone will do anything if the price is right.”

“I don’t think that’s necessarily true.” Clarke said, resting her elbows on the table as she furrowed her brow a little.

“So you’re telling me that the price wasn’t right in this little agreement you have with Nia?” she asked, “you’re telling me that this right here isn’t the price that you’re willing to accept to do anything?”

“This is different…” Clarke replied.

“It’s really not,” Ontari said, crossing her arms across her chest, “your request was your people’s safety, and you agreed that the cost for that is worth paying, it’s why you’re here. If you promise someone something big enough, you can point to a cliff and tell them to jump, the only thing they’re going to ask is how high.”

“Let’s say that you’re right,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I still don’t think you’re going to turn anyone within her generals, it’s their sworn duty to protect her, to them that’s important. Plus we don’t need to do that, I got her to agree to let me be at the meeting, to ‘argue my case’. It’s as good as her agreeing to send reinforcements.”

“I really hope your confidence isn’t misplaced,” the other girl replied, “you have to remember that Lexa is going to view this in a way where the best outcome is for her people. She’s going to look at it as a leader. You know full well that if it will end badly for her people, she won’t do it. It’ll be like being up on that mountain again. You’ll be waiting outside Camp Jaha for the reinforcements and they don’t arrive, and you watch as one by one your people kill each other, and us.”

“As long as she trusts me, she’ll do it,” Clarke said, “I’ll just point out that if we lose and the only Sky People that are left are the ones that want all Grounders dead, then it’ll be a threat to her people. I’ll make her see that this is for the best in the long run. For everyone.”

“I hope you’re right,” Ontari replied, “if you’re wrong, this is going to be a pretty dangerous place to be. We have to try and get some weapons from somewhere, we were made to turn ours over.”

“So was I,” Clarke said with a small laugh, “if I wanted to leave the room I’m staying in, I had to turn over my weapons. She sees me as one of you.”

“Technically you are.” The other girl said, “Did you hand over all your weapons?”

“No,” The blonde replied, “I still have the dagger which was hidden in the bottom of my bag.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

As Clarke made her way back up the stairs to the room she was staying in she saw Lexa waiting on one of the landings. She didn’t say anything to her, just walked straight past her.

“Did you enjoy seeing the city?” Lexa asked, causing Clarke to stop and turn back to look at her.

“Yeah,” Clarke replied with a nod, “there’s some very… interesting people here.”

“Might I suggest you explore the city in daylight,” the brunette said, with a small smile as she walked closer to Clarke, “that way you are likely to see a different way of life which doesn’t revolve around the tavern.”

“How do you know I’ve been at the tavern?” Clarke asked, “I thought you said I wasn’t under constant guard.”

“You smell like you decided to take a swim in a barrel of ale,” Lexa replied with a smile, “so I would think it was safe for me to assume that you had been to a tavern.”

“Right,” Clarke said, “some idiot spilt his drink on me, guess that kind of does give it away a little doesn’t it.”

“Just slightly, yes.” Lexa said with a nod.

Clarke smiled and shook her head a little as she turned and walked back towards the stairs, as her foot reached the first step Lexa stopped her again.

“One other thing…” Lexa said, stepping towards Clarke again, and moving her hands from behind her back for the first time since Clarke arrived, in her hand she held a dagger, “when you are asked to surrender all weapons, it means all weapons, not simply the ones you have not concealed.”

“Where did you get that?” Clarke asked, walking over to where Lexa was standing, “is it customary for you to go through people’s possessions?”

“One of my staff was going into your room to prepare your bath, as you had apparently asked her to do,” Lexa replied, her jaw clenched, “your bag was laying on the floor and as she crossed the room she tripped slightly on the bag because she hadn’t noticed it on the floor, as she tripped the dagger fell from your bag. So no, it is not generally customary for me to go through people’s possessions, but I may have to make the exception and have a guard search you every time you return.”

“I just don’t understand why I have to hand over my weapons,” Clarke said with a sigh, “it tells me that you don’t trust me. You know me Lexa, you know why I’m here.”

“It is your reasons for being here which are causing me issues,” Lexa said honestly, “I thought I knew you, Clarke, but in the months that have passed you have changed, I certainly do not know the person you have become…”

“You’re right, I have changed,” Clarke replied, a hard smile on her lips, “It now takes me longer to trust someone, ask yourself why I felt I should keep that dagger. Now put yourself in my position, being unarmed while in the same place as the person who betrayed me once, leaving me to die.”

“You are here to ask me for my help,” the brunette said, “the fact that you were allowed past the gates at all has to tell you that I mean you no harm. I cannot say that I’m sorry for what I did, because that implies that I now believe that choice was wrong, which I do not…”

“Yeah, figures…” Clarke said.

“But I can say that I am sorry for the pain you believe that I’ve caused you,” Lexa continued, “I can say that I’m sorry for the decisions you made that you regret that you blame me for. I do not know what happened that night on the mountain, Clarke, but I can say that if I had chosen to remain there that night a lot more people would have lost their lives.”

“You can’t know that,” Clarke said, her voice growing ever so slightly louder, “you cannot tell me that you knew more people would die. If we’d have stuck to the plan, if you hadn’t walked away, then the people living in that mountain would still be alive.”

“And we would all be dead.” Lexa replied calmly, “They knew of our plan before we even reached their door. Emmerson, the man who delivered the agreement to me, told me that all my people had been moved. They knew we were going to release them, Clarke. If I had decided to stay, knowing what I did, I would have condemned every one of my people inside that mountain to death. I couldn’t do that.”

“So you condemned my people to death instead.” The blonde said, shaking her head, “And you still cannot see why that makes me not trust you. Did you know, some of my own people told me not to trust you, hell even one or two of your people told me not to trust you, but I did. I put the lives of my people in your hands, and you didn’t give it a second thought when you had to trade their lives.”

“I didn’t ask you to trust me, Clarke.” Lexa replied, a hint of sadness to her voice.

“No, you didn’t,” Clarke said, “but I did, because you made me believe that I could. Minutes before you chose to leave us to die, you invited me here, with you. That told me that I could trust you, but I obviously couldn’t because you chose to walk away. Nothing that happened mattered to you did it, you didn’t think about any of it.”

“I couldn’t think about any of it,” Lexa replied, her anger finally coming to the surface, “in any treaty I have to think about what is best for my people, I have thousands of lives in my hands, Clarke, every day of my life. If I chose to let my people die on the off chance that we could save your people, do you truly think my people would see that as a victory? Have you even considered that I was thinking about your people as well as mine? If we’d have stormed that mountain, Clarke, if we’d have gone in there with your guns shooting at everything, they would have killed my people, and slaughtered yours. We would have been wasting lives for no possible gain.”

“So you turned your back on what would be morally right.” Clarke said, folding her arms across her chest as she looked at Lexa.

“As the leader of my people, I did what was morally right,” Lexa said, “you are so focused on what you had to do and the choices you had to make. My actions saved lives that night, and given the same choice again, as the leader of my people, I would make the same decision.”

“You walked away, you didn’t even give us a chance,” the blonde said, “we could’ve made the plan work, we could’ve saved everybody.”

“You can never save everybody,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “it is one of the very sad facts of life, certainly of our lives, of leaders lives. You have to think about what is best for the largest number of people. You had 47 people in that mountain, Clarke, I had hundreds. They took less than 50 of your people, they took thousands of mine…”

“So your need was greater than mine, is that what you’re saying?” Clarke asked.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head as she stepped closer to Clarke, “I am saying that a treaty is only worth fighting for when it continues to benefit everyone involved. As long as you still have something that the other wants, only then is a treaty safe. Given the same choice that I had, you would have battled with the options but you would know, deep down, that I made the right choice, no matter how wrong it felt. Because that is what a treaty is. If you had the safe option, then you would no longer have a need to fight.”

“I would never have made the same choice that you did.” Clarke said, shaking her head.

“Yes you would,” Lexa said with a small smile, “because you would do anything to save your people. Even now, you would still do anything that you had to do. You’re doing it right now. There is one thing that I need to know, I haven’t stopped thinking about it all day, what has Nia offered you or what does she want in return for her help?”

“What makes you think she wants anything?” Clarke asked in reply, “Maybe she can just see how this would be better for her people in the long run.”

“That is another thing that I’ve been considering,” Lexa said arching her eyebrow slightly, “it would take your people close to a week to march to the Azgeda cities, that’s assuming they would even know the quickest route. Nia isn’t known for investing her warriors in a situation which doesn’t immediately concern her, a week is more than enough time to arm your cities to withstand an attack. There is a lot more to this. Was the price of her help my death, Clarke?”

“Why would she send me here to kill you?” Clarke asked, “You heard me say that she’s marching against my people, who have the guns and the technology, she needs your help, she wouldn’t want you dead.”

Clarke felt the handle of her dagger slip back into her hand as Lexa walked slowly past her.

“You almost sound like you believe that.” Lexa said quietly before she slowly made her way upstairs.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments that anyone has about this would be great, I pretty much know where I'm going with it but it'd be good to see what you all think.

 

Clarke grumbled as she sat down at the table in the small back room of the tavern, Ontari looked up from what she was doing, she smiled a little and shook her head as she walked over to the table and sat opposite the blonde.

“Something wrong, Clarke?” she asked, resting her elbows on the table.

“Tell me again why I’m doing this.” Clarke replied, dropping her head down onto the table.

“Because she left you to die on that mountain, alone,” Ontari said, “she walked away and left you there alone, Clarke. Without her reinforcements you can’t help your people.”

Clarke looked up from the table and nodded a little.

“She found my hidden dagger.” She said with a sigh.

“Then it obviously wasn’t hidden very well.” The other girl replied, “what did she do?”

“Gave me it back.” Clarke said, “she asked me if the price of Nia helping my people is her death, then gave me the dagger back as she told me that I almost sounded like I believed it when I said Nia wouldn’t want her dead. I told you this wasn’t going to work, I told you she would know something was wrong.”

“She’s suspicious, I’d be worried if she wasn’t,” Ontari said, trying to calm the blonde down a little, “she’s Heda. You turn up after three months to ask her for help on behalf of your people and the Azgeda, she is obviously going to be looking for the other reasons that you’re here. She isn’t going to think that after everything that happened, what she did, that you’re just going to come here as if the last three months hadn’t happened. Lexa is on edge, that’s all. Say she does agree to help us, it’s going to take her a few days to organize the numbers to send to Camp Jaha, use that time to make her stop considering you a threat. It shouldn’t take much.”

“I just need to get her there right…” Clarke replied, a cold edge to her face as she looked at the girl opposite her.

“You get her there, Nia takes care of the rest.” She said with a nod.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

“You wanted to know if the new Azgeda visitors met with anyone of interest…” Indra said as she walked into the room where Lexa had just finished a meeting with one of her generals.

“I did.” Lexa replied with a nod, her right hand gripping her left wrist, her arms behind her back as she looked out of the window.

“Clarke was seen this morning going into the tavern where they are staying.” Indra said.

“Would you say it was safe to assume that is also the tavern that Clarke visited last night?” Lexa asked, glancing back at the older woman.

“I would say it is highly likely.” Indra replied with a slight nod.

“Has she returned from the tavern?” the Commander asked in reply, turning her attention back to the window.

“She has.” Indra said.

“Tell her that I want to speak with her.” Lexa said, “inform her that I have made my decision about the aid she requested.”

Indra nodded slightly and left the room, going to find Clarke.

“Are you sure you’re making the right decision, Heda.” Ryder said, walking back into the room from where he had been standing in the doorway.

“I’m not sure I have another choice,” Lexa replied, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, “if I do nothing and the Azgeda lose, that will be remembered when I have no decision but to march my army on Camp Jaha. I could use the Azgeda and Clarke’s people as a buffer zone, buying myself a little extra time to build the defenses around my cities… But one way or another it is a fight that we will be drawn into eventually. If my reinforcements turn the tide in favour of the Azgeda, then that is a victory for everyone in the long run. The Sky People are of little concern to me, but it would be easier to co-exist alongside them if their leadership are people I can at least work with. I am making the only decision that I can see myself not regretting in the future.”

“And if you’re right and there is more to this than there appears?” he asked.

“Then I will deal with that when the time comes.” Lexa said, “If this is more than a simple request for assistance then I will face those consequences, not anyone else.”

A knock at the door caused Lexa to look over.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Clarke said with a little smile, “Indra said you wanted to talk to me, figured I probably shouldn’t keep you waiting, but if this is a bad time I can come back.”

“I was just leaving.” Ryder said, he nodded his head towards Lexa a little before he walked past Clarke to the door, the blonde stepped further into the room as he left, so he closed the door behind him.

“He still hates me.” Clarke said, looking towards the door as Ryder closed it.

“He just believes you are too irrational for someone who spends so much time talking about things,” Lexa replied as she turned around to face Clarke, “my people don’t tend to waste too much time discussing things.”

“Maybe if you spent more time talking about things, your people wouldn’t spend so much time killing each other.” Clarke said.

“Because that is working out so well for your people at this present time.” Lexa shot back.

“Indra said something about you coming to a decision about helping us.” Clarke said, ignoring what Lexa had just said, and reminding the Commander why she was there.

“I have,” the brunette said with a nod, “I can send two units to assist your people and the Azgeda.”

“Two units?” Clarke asked, not knowing what that meant in terms of numbers.

“500 warriors, Clarke,” Lexa replied, “that is the best I can do at short notice. Even then it is going to take me a few days to have them ready to march on Camp Jaha. Most of my generals believe that 500 is too many, they believe that I am throwing away lives on a battle that does not concern me.”

“I bet Indra tried to talk you out of it.” Clarke said with a small laugh.

“Indra is leading one of the units.” Lexa said, clenching her jaw slightly.

“Who is leading the other one?” The blonde asked, “You?”

“No,” Lexa replied, “that was another part of the agreement. Your people and the Azgeda get my assistance in the form of warriors, I will not be riding with them.”

“Let me guess, it would look bad if you appeared to be throwing your personal support behind a war that you weren’t consulted on.” Clarke said.

“Something like that.” Lexa said with a small nod, “though my generals believe I would not return from this battle, even if you get the victory you desire.”

“And what do you think?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed a little as she looked at Lexa.

“I think I cannot control my destiny, Clarke.” Lexa replied, narrowing her eyes as she continued to look out of the window, “the two units will be ready to march for you in three days from today.”

“Thank you.” Clarke said, knowing that the conversation was now over.

She glanced back at Lexa as she turned to leave the room, the Commanders head was bowed forwards a little and her shoulders weren’t quite as high as Clarke always remembered them being. Shaking her head a little, Clarke left the room, closing the door behind her. Instead of heading back to her room, Clarke walked downstairs and out onto the bustling streets of Polis. She made her way towards the market, not realizing that she had gained a new shadow as Ryder followed along silently behind her.

Clarke made her way to the blacksmith stall where she could see Ontari standing looking at the weapons.

“Two units.” Clarke said quietly as she stood next to the girl, “500 warriors, that’s what she’s going to send.”

“I’ll let Nia know,” the other girl replied just as quietly, “any idea who is leading them?”

“Indra and someone else,” Clarke said with a sigh, “she said something about part of the agreement she made with her generals, we can have her warriors but she won’t be riding with them.”

“When do they march?” Ontari asked, making a mental note of everything Clarke was telling her.

“Three days from today,” the blonde said, “don’t know exactly when, or where from. I assume they’ll be marching from here.”

Ontari nodded a little and smiled a little as she looked at Clarke.

“You did well Clarke.” She said before she turned and walked away.

Clarke stood looking at the weapons for a while after Ontari had left, she nearly jumped out of her skin when Ryder walked up next to her.

“They are very well made weapons,” he said looking at the blades on the wall, “but even the strongest weapons can have a weakness.”

“They look pretty good to me.” Clarke said, glancing over at him before looking back at the blades.

“Are you considering purchasing one?” Ryder asked.

“I can’t,” Clarke replied, “I’m pretty sure when Lexa asked me to hand over all my weapons she didn’t mean go out and get new ones.”

“Oh, that’s right, you’re here representing the Azgeda.” He said with a nod.

“I’m here to help my people.” Clarke said as she turned to look at him.

“You’re here to request help for the Azgeda,” Ryder said as he looked at her, “does that mean they are your people.”

“I help Nia, she helps me,” Clarke replied, “Lexa helping them is Lexa helping to save my people.”

“I suppose if that is the cost of saving your people then that is what you must do,” he said, stepping back away from her, turning to leave before he stopped and looked back, “my only worry is about what Lexa’s price to pay is.”

“For what?” Clarke asked.

“For your forgiveness.” Ryder said, “She will pay whatever price you need her to, I just hope that it is not something so high that you regret it later.”

Clarke stood and watched as Ryder walked away. She knew he was right; she also knew that is why Lexa had agreed to send her warriors to Camp Jaha. It’s why Nia had asked her to go, saying that Lexa would be feeling guilty about what had happened. Nia had heard talk of the relationship that had been building between the Sky Girl and the Commander, she had put it mostly down to gossip, until her people who returned from the mountain told her what had happened. Clarke knew that she had something that Nia wanted, and if there was anything that Lexa had taught Clarke it was that any price is high enough to pay if your people are safe.

As she walked away from the blacksmith stall, she walked around a little, trying to get a feel for the city, hoping it would help her understand the people who lived there. She noticed a small crowd gathered around a small public square. When she walked over to the group they automatically parted so she could see what was going on. She saw that the gathered people were watching warrior training. Clarke figured that the training was an everyday thing in Polis, just as she was about to turn and leave she saw something out of the corner of her eye that made her stop. Lexa was swinging two blades in her hands she walked closer to the center of the little square. Clarke looked in the other direction and saw a guy with a spear walking towards Lexa. That is why everyone had stopped. Clarke realized that as much as training was something that happened every day, Lexa being there was obviously something different.

The guy in question was huge, Clarke would put him at well over 6 foot tall, he looked like he could snap Lexa in half.

“What about you young lady,” A guy said walking up next to where Clarke was standing, “are you interested in becoming involved in the wager?”

“You’re betting on this?” Clarke asked as she looked at him.

“Naturally,” he replied, “it makes the sparing a little more entertaining for everyone involved. Minimum amount is two gold coins on the winner.”

“Okay,” Clarke said with a nod, as she glanced over at Lexa, “I’ll take your wager, two gold coins on L… the Commander to win.”

“Get ready to hand over your coins,” another guy who was standing near Clarke, “this guy has been pretty much unbeaten here in a week.”

“Isn’t it some kind of Grounder offence to talk badly about your Commanders fighting ability?” Clarke asked with a small laugh as she felt herself starting to relax a little.

“Only when she can hear you.” The guy replied, flashing Clarke a grin which made her laugh again.

“You can change your mind.” The other guy said, indicating that she could change her bet if she wanted to.

“Not a chance.” Clarke said, shaking her head a little.

A few minutes later Clarke was counting her way through the gold coins in her hand, part of her felt sorry for the guys who had to hand over their loses, but another part of her felt very amused that they had bet against Lexa. Clarke would never bet against Lexa in a fight, if the thing had a heartbeat, there was a way to kill it, Lexa would always find the way.

“It appears someone had a profitable day at the training arena.” Lexa said as she stepped out of an alley way which Clarke had been walking past while counting.

“Sneaky much.” Clarke said, trying to get her heart rate back to normal after Lexa made her jump.

“I take it you backed the right fighter.” Lexa said motioning to Clarke’s hands.

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a nod, “you know that your people bet against you down there right?”

“It doesn’t happen very often,” Lexa replied, a hint of a smile on her lips, “but I am only human, Clarke.”

“That’s not what you are to these people, Lexa,” Clarke said, looking around her, “you know that isn’t how they see you.”

“It’s my duty to protect them, Clarke,” Lexa replied with a small smile, “they know that I will do that until the last breath leaves my body and it’s my spirits time to move on to the next Heda.”

“Death is such an easy thing for you to think about isn’t it…” the blonde said.

“It is not something that I can fight,” Lexa answered, “it doesn’t matter how many men I can bring down in the training arena or out on the battle field, it is something that’s going to happen. I’ve lived longer than any other Heda before me, I hope that continues for a while longer yet, but if it doesn’t and it’s my time, then I accept that. I only hope that I have done enough to leave my people with a better world than the one I entered.”

“Do you ever think that maybe death would be an easier option?” Clarke asked quietly in reply.

“It would be a lie if I said I hadn’t thought about it,” Lexa said honestly, “certain choices that I’ve had to make slowly chipped away at any soul I may have had. With every war we fight more people die. It is up to me to get as many of my people home, alive, as I can. But each time I lead them through those gates or send them out there to fight for me… that’s more death which is on my hands. Some blood can never be washed away.”

“What stopped you?” the blonde asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at Lexa.

“I have a feeling that I’m not quite finished doing what I’m supposed to do,” Lexa said with a small laugh, “well, that and things like this…”

Clarke looked in the direction that Lexa motioned and she saw a young group of children, running around playing some kind of game.

“We make choices as leaders of our people, so children like them can grow up in a safer and more peaceful world.” Lexa said, “if I have to carry a little more blood on my hands so one of those children spends more time growing within the safety of their family, then it’s worth it.”

“Is it worth it though?” Clarke asked, not sure if she meant it as a rhetorical question, or if she expected an answer from Lexa.

Lexa looked over at Clarke and for a very brief moment she saw doubt in Clarke’s eyes, and pain, a lot of pain.

“The dead will never leave you, Clarke,” Lexa replied honestly, “I cannot lie to you and say they do. I cannot lie and tell you that one day soon you’ll be able to sleep without seeing their faces when you close your eyes… You learn to live with your ghosts. They remind you of the things that you’re capable of. They remind you that sometimes your best simply isn’t enough. We live with that so our people can live the lives they deserve.”

“I just can’t get the nightmares to stop…” Clarke said quietly.

“Will you come somewhere with me?” Lexa asked as she looked at the blonde girl standing next to her.

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just nodded her head a little, before she could talk herself out of it. Lexa had to fight to keep the small smile from her lips as she walked down the street, Clarke following behind her. As she walked she was having to stop every few steps to talk to someone, or to listen to a child tell her about how they were learning about the unification of the clans in school. She didn’t mind stopping and talking to people, it was part of who she was, she was worried that Clarke would get bored with the delays and change her mind about going with Lexa. While she was listening to what the latest woman who stopped her wanted to tell her, she glanced over at Clarke and saw that she was talking to a couple of young children. The blonde looked over at Lexa and smiled a little, which caused Lexa to smile in return.

“That last woman sure had a lot to say.” Clarke said as she caught up to Lexa once the small crowed had dispersed.

“She had something very important that she wanted to say to me.” Lexa said with a slight tilt of her head, “it was more of a request, there is something that she asked me to do for her.”

“Do you take requests in the street like that normally?” Clarke asked, “Cause that would be good to know, for future reference, then I don’t have to deal with the death glare from Indra.”

Lexa laughed little as she stopped at a gate in a huge wall. She opened the gate and motioned for Clarke to go inside. Beyond the gate and the wall there was a garden. Surrounded by wall on all four sides. At random points on the wall Clarke could see bits of wood and pieces of rough paper which had been caught up in the rain. There were four benches near the walls, and one in the center of the garden. Clarke could see that this place was something treated with respect by Lexa’s people.

“What is this place?” The blonde asked quietly as she looked around.

“It’s a remembrance garden,” Lexa replied as she walked a little way from where Clarke was standing and sat down on one of the benches, “It is usually open to people at daybreak and nightfall. It’s somewhere they can come and think about those who they’ve lost. I spend a lot of time here when I’m in Polis. Each of these things on the wall is something that someone remembers about a person, carvings that children have done for lost parents… it helps me to… process what I’ve done.”

“Are you ever going to tell me what that old woman wanted you to do?” Clarke asked, trying to keep her emotions in check, she knew that she had messed up earlier when she started opening up to Lexa.

“She wanted me to thank you.” Lexa said.

“What could she possibly have to thank me for?” the blonde asked, turning away from Lexa and focusing on something on the wall.

“Her two grandchildren were in the mountain, Clarke,” Lexa said, not wanting Clarke to run, “they were the only family she had left, and she wanted to thank you for returning them back to her.”

“You brought them back, not me.” Clarke replied, clenching her jaw as her eyes started to burn a little.

“I wouldn’t have stood a chance of bringing any of them back if it hadn’t been for you,” Lexa said, standing up and slowly walking over to where Clarke was standing, “You may be feeling regret about what you did, guilt over the lives that were lost that night, but my people see you as a hero, Clarke. Each of my people who were in the mountain was part of someone’s family, their friends wanted them home… Thanks to you they are home.”

Lexa watched as Clarke angrily wiped a tear from her face as she listened to what Lexa was saying.

“Innocent people shouldn’t have had to die…” Clarke said, “That wasn’t part of the plan.”

“How many innocent people had they killed over the years that they had been taking my people and draining their blood?” Lexa asked, “how many of your people are dead or still haven’t recovered from what they did to them? I am not saying that innocent people should ever have to die, but when they do I am less conflicted when the innocent people are not mine.”

“That’s you all over isn’t it, Commander?” Clarke asked, turning to face Lexa, “The ruthless calculous of war.”

Lexa knew that she was risking all the progress she had made with Clarke so far that day, but she also knew that when Clarke was hurting she tended to get angry. If they were going to stand any chance of moving past what had happened, going to stand any chance of being anything other than civil, she needed her to get angry. Lexa knew that a lot of that anger was aimed at her, and she also knew why. Clarke needed to blame someone, it made it easier for her to survive with what she had done, and if the person she needed to blame was Lexa, then she would accept that. She hadn’t been there that night to shoulder the weight with Clarke, she could at least be there to take the anger and hate that followed it.

“No, Clarke, it’s not,” Lexa said, “but I make choices so that other people don’t have to. I am the one who shoulders the responsibility for a village over here burning down so a city over there can be defended. I take the blame for 250 of my people dying, because I didn’t warn an entire village that they were going to be hit by a missile, so that your friend wouldn’t be found inside the mountain. That is something that is on me. What you did…”

“Is on you too, I know.” Clarke said, turning away from her.

“If that is what you need, then fine.” Lexa replied, grabbing her arm and turning her back around, “if you need to blame me, then blame me. If that is what you need, then I’ll take it. Clarke, if it stopped you slowly killing yourself, I would take every single burden in the world away from you, but I can’t.”

“Don’t you have some meeting to be at?” Clarke asked coldly as she pulled herself away from Lexa, any emotion that Lexa had seen in her eyes was long gone.

“Probably,” Lexa replied with a nod as she started to walk past Clarke, stopping next to her briefly, “hating me will not stop you hating yourself, Clarke. You’re waiting for someone to say they forgive you, but it is not their forgiveness you need, it is your own.”

Clarke stood still as she heard Lexa walk away.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke didn’t see Lexa again that day before the evening meal, it surprised her that the Commander missed the meal, from her experience the night before she thought it seemed like Lexa actually enjoyed the chance to relax a little. Later that evening, Clarke was sitting at the bar at the tavern, steadily making her way through her winnings of earlier that day. While she was looking down at her drink, trying to get her eyes to focus she heard someone sit on the seat next to her.

“I thought I might find you in here.” Lexa said.

“You sure it’s safe for you to be out here with us normal people without your guards, Commander?” Clarke asked, leaning back on her seat as she looked around the tavern for any sign of Indra or Ryder.

“This is my city, Clarke,” Lexa said, signaling to the barman that she wanted a drink, “I’m as safe in here as I am in my home.”

“You’re putting a lot of faith in your people to not attack you…” Clarke mumbled as she turned back around so she was facing the bar.

“Or I’m not putting a lot of faith in my security detail to keep people who want to kill me, away from me.” Lexa replied with a shrug, which caused Clarke to laugh a little.

“So which is it?” Clarke asked as the barman brought Lexa a drink over, and refilled Clarke’s drink for her.

“I would say either was likely.” Lexa replied.

“What do you want, Lexa?” Clarke asked with a sigh.

“I wanted to see how you were,” the brunette explained, “after we talked earlier…”

“I’m fine,” Clarke said, interrupting her, “figured I’d spend the night celebrating…”

“Celebrating what?” Lexa asked, a look of confusion on her face.

“Celebrating you agreeing to send 500 troops to help my people.” Clarke said, raising her glass a little.

“I always believed that celebrating can only be done properly with two or more people,” Lexa said, looking around the tavern a little before she looked back at Clarke, “and it looks to me like you were drinking alone. That is not celebrating, that is wallowing.”

“Who said I was alone.” Clarke said, glancing off to the side of the room, Lexa followed her line of sight and saw a brunette girl looking at them.

“Ah…” Lexa said, looking down at her drink.

At that moment the girl who had been sitting looking at them made her way over to the bar and stood on the opposite side of Clarke to Lexa.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us Clarke?” Ontari asked as she leant on the bar next to Clarke, looking across the blonde to Lexa.

“I was just leaving.” Lexa said, moving to stand up.

“Oh come on, Commander,” Ontari said, causing Lexa to stop, “don’t let me ruin your drink.”

“As you obviously already know who I am,” Lexa replied, turning back to look at the girl, “this puts me at a little bit of a disadvantage, don’t you agree?”

Clarke nearly choked on the drink she had in her mouth, coughing as she tried to stop herself laughing at what Lexa had said. She turned and saw Ontari open her mouth like she was about to respond to Lexa, but the other girl beat her to it.

“Actually, let me try and figure out who you are,” Lexa said, looking the girl up and down, “no weapons, but you don’t look like a farm worker. That tells me that you’re not allowed weapons here for some reason, which in turn tells me that you’re Azgeda. Am I right so far?”

“Lexa, Ontari,” Clarke said waving her arm a little, “Ontari, Lexa. There now you both know each other, can we get back to drinking now?”

“No, because now the Commander is wondering why I’m here and how many more there are…” Ontari said, knowing what it meant when Lexa narrowed her eyes a little as she looked at her.

“It may have crossed my mind.” Lexa replied.

“There’s another 3 of them,” Clarke said, “they’re drinking in the back, probably playing some drinking game or other. They’re here because I needed a way to get messages back to Nia. Without them here it would take days for me to let her know that you agreed to help.”

“I have messengers, Clarke,” Lexa said, glancing at Clarke before looking back at the other girl, “someone could have taken the message for you.”

“Well, no, actually, they couldn’t.” Ontari said with a shrug, “you’re assuming that the message would need to be taken back to our capitol.”

“Where else would it need to go?” Lexa asked, “Unless… Where is she?”

“I can’t tell you that Commander,” Ontari said with a smirk, “I can tell you that they’re on the move. I have no idea where they are right now, but you already know their final destination.”

“You didn’t tell me that the Azgeda were already marching on Camp Jaha.” Lexa said, looking at Clarke.

“Whoops…” The blonde replied with a shrug.

“You could have at least told me the true reason you wanted my help.” Lexa said to her, “you didn’t have to lie to me Clarke.”

“It must have slipped my mind…” Clarke replied.

“Any other important things that I need to know that have slipped your mind?” the brunette asked.

“Not that I can think of right now,” Clarke said, finishing her drink, “I mean, there might be something, I just…”

“Clarke, stop talking.” Ontari said rolling her eyes a little at the drunk girl.

“When will they reach the camp?” Lexa said, looking at Ontari and ignoring Clarke who had just picked up the drink which Lexa had left on the bar.

“Not for at least another two days,” the other girl replied, “when they arrive they will stop a safe distance away and wait for you to get there.”

“I won’t be there.” Lexa corrected, “my warriors will be, but I will not.”

“That’s a shame, I know Queen Nia was looking forward to finally fighting on the same side as you.” Ontari said.

“I’m sure she was.” Lexa replied hoping to hold back the bite of sarcasm which accompanied that sentence, “like I said earlier, I was leaving. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“Lexa…” Clarke called after her, causing her to stop, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, Clarke.” Lexa replied quietly, before she walked from the tavern.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

The sounds of the city had long since stopped filtering up to her bedroom window as Lexa sat at the table and once again went over a different strategy on a map, she couldn’t sleep and battle planning had always helped her relax. As she once again moved her troops to within reach of certain annihilation a knock at the door caused her to shake her head a little.

“Yes…” she said, letting whoever it was know they could go in.

“You wanted to know when Clarke returned.” Ryder said as he walked into the room.

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just rubbed the back of her neck as she looked down at the map on the table in front of her.

“Is something worrying you?” Ryder asked her.

“It doesn’t matter what formation I use to approach Camp Jaha, we’re going to have big losses…” She said with a sigh, “I have to select warriors tomorrow knowing that I’m sending some of them to their deaths…”

“Isn’t every war the same?” he asked with a sad smile.

“I should be going with them.” She said as she shook her head a little and stood up, “Instead of doing what I’m supposed to do and riding into battle with them, I will be sitting here wondering how many of my people are dying in a battle that I won’t fight in.”

Clarke, clearing her throat from the doorway, stopped Lexa talking.

“I er… I just wanted to say, again, that I’m sorry.” Clarke said as she looked nervously at Lexa.

“What are you sorry for, Clarke?” Lexa asked as she looked at her.

“For, you know, not telling you that the Azgeda were already marching to Camp Jaha.” Clarke said, looking down at her feet.

“I assume that it’s part of some plan that you and Nia set into motion,” Lexa said, “I just fail to see what you would both gain from not telling me.”

“I really did just forget to mention it.” The blonde replied with a small nod.

“Okay,” Lexa said with a nod of her own, “I already told you that you don’t have to lie to me, Clarke.”

“I’m not lying.” Clarke said.

“Okay…” Lexa replied with another small nod.

“I should be going.” Ryder said as he started walking towards the door.

“I need to go and lay down somewhere anyway,” Clarke said, smiling a little as she looked at him, “good night.”

“Who is she to you, Clarke?” Lexa asked as Clarke turned to walk away.

“A friend.” Clarke replied, glancing back before she walked away from the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently really enjoying writing this story, and the length of this chapter shows that I think. Don't forget to drop me a comment, let me know what you think about where this is going. The chapter has the scene that started this whole idea in it, so hope you all like it.

 

Lexa spent much of the day selecting the warriors who would march on Camp Jaha, while she had been making her choices she found herself mentally considering things that she had not done before. Did the warrior she was about to select have a family? Did he, or she, have a child, people depending on them? Lexa had very rarely had to choose her army when she would not be marching with them, nor had she ever really thought about the possibility of them not returning. She had no idea what Nia’s plans were, for all she knew nothing would happen and her army would return as they usually did, but Lexa knew, deep down, that Nia never did anything which wouldn’t lead to her gaining something personally. Helping the Sky People would give Nia access to their weapons and technology, something which Lexa wasn’t happy with, but that would not be enough for the Azgeda Queen to risk the lives of her warriors.

The Commander knew that in regards to the Azgeda they were all warriors, from the people who regularly fought in battle, to the men and women who traded in the market, even down to the children who populated the cities. Every one of them had been trained in the art of survival. That is partly what made the Azgeda so dangerous, Nia could repopulate the ranks of her army until the last person in the last city fell.

As she was standing in the throne room, looking out of the window which gave her a view over Polis, Lexa heard raised voices. Walking from the room she stopped, looking down the stairway she could see Indra, Clarke and the girl that Lexa had met the previous night in the tavern. Lexa couldn’t recall her name; she hadn’t been paying very much attention when Clarke had told her. The blonde girl had obviously been drinking again that day, Lexa could tell from the way that Clarke couldn’t stand still while talking to Indra, her companion using an arm around her waist to keep her steady.

“You continue to show Heda no respect.” Indra said to Clarke.

“Respect?” The blonde asked, “I will show her respect when she has done something to earn it.”

Lexa clenched her jaw as she watched and listened, she knew that her relationship with Clarke was damaged, possibly beyond repair, hearing the other girl talk about her the way she did only reinforced that knowledge within Lexa.

“You arrive here, after three months, requesting assistance for your people,” Indra replied, “people with which we have no alliance, and Heda grants you your request. She also decided favorably with extending that assistance to the Azgeda, though Nia knew not to expect it. That alone is an act for which she deserves to be shown respect.”

“You’re saying I should respect her for doing the right thing?” Clarke asked her voice betraying the amusement she so obviously felt.

“If you wish to spend the night with your…” Indra looked at Ontari, before looking back at Clarke, “acquaintance, then may I suggest you do so elsewhere. Before you arrived here the Azgeda had not set foot in this building since…”

“Indra.” Lexa said, her voice carrying from where she was standing, causing the older woman to turn around and look at her, Clarke also looked up at where Lexa was standing, “that’s enough. If Clarke chooses to bring company back here with her, then she may do so.”

“Sha, Heda.” Indra replied with a small nod before pushing past Clarke and Ontari and walking downstairs.

An uncomfortable silence fell over Clarke, Lexa and Ontari as none of them moved. Lexa straightened her shoulders, raised her head slightly and clenched her jaw.

“Enjoy your evening.” She said to Clarke before she turned and walked back to the throne room.

“See,” Clarke said to Ontari before Lexa closed the door, “told you it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“She’s not exactly happy with me being here.” Ontari said with a short laugh.

“Who cares,” Clarke replied, “I want you here.”

 

x-x-x-x-x

 

“What’s in the chest?” Ontari asked Clarke as the blonde lay on the bed.

“No idea,” Clarke replied with a shrug, glancing over to see the other girl looking in the closet space, “it was in there when that weird guy showed me to the room. I didn’t bother asking him what was in it, it’s got a lock on it though so it’s obviously something important.”

“You’re not curious?” Ontari asked, walking over to the bed and laying down with her head on the blonde’s stomach, “Not even the slightest bit?”

“I guess I am a little,” Clarke said, looking down at the other girl, “it’s a locked chest, that’s like giving a kid a box and telling them to look after it but not look in it.”

“So, let’s see what’s in the chest.” Ontari said, sitting up and picking up the dagger which lay on the small table next to the bed.

Clarke sat up as she watched the other girl walk over to the chest. She watched as she slid the dagger in behind the lock and pried it open. She couldn’t help but smile a little as Ontari turned and looked at her with a grin. Clarke stood up and walked over to where the other girl was, crouching down next to her as she opened the chest. In the chest there was a coat, animal hide if Clarke thought right, it was certainly very well made, though it looked like it hadn’t been worn in a while. On top of the coat was a knife, as she reached in and picked it up she could see the pattern on the blade, it was similar to the pattern on the dagger which Lexa always carried. The knife itself was extremely well made. She put it on the floor next to her as she lifted the coat out of the chest, underneath was another box.

“This doesn’t feel right…” Clarke said as she looked at the box which sat in the bottom of the chest.

“I’m wondering why all this stuff was locked away, I mean it doesn’t look like anything special to me.” Ontari replied, as she picked up the knife and looked at it.

“Maybe that’s the whole point…” Clarke said as she took the box out of the chest.

She sat back with the box on her legs and slowly opened it. Inside the box was a small pile of roughly made paper, each page held an image. The top picture was of a forest, drawn in charcoal as far as Clarke could tell, within the picture of the forest she could see a person sitting on a tree branch. Lexa. Whoever had drawn this picture had drawn it from life, from a standing position as they looked at Lexa up in the tree. It just added to the feeling that Clarke had, that whatever was in this box, whoever the items in the chest belonged to, it was personal. Personal to Lexa.

Clarke sat and looked through the drawings, each of them was on the same rough paper as the first, most in charcoal but some had a hint of colour. One picture that really caught Clarke’s eye was a charcoal drawing of Lexa, sitting at a table, obviously engrossed in what she was doing. This was one drawing with colour. Lexa’s eyes. They almost shone from the page. She looked relaxed and peaceful in a way that Clarke had never seen.

“Costia…” Ontari said quietly, running her fingers over the name which was carved in the lid of the box.

Clarke closed the box and put it on the floor, pushing it away from her as she pulled herself backwards. A sharp knock at the door made Clarke jump, before she even had a chance to say anything the door opened, revealing Ryder. Clarke could tell from the look in his eyes that he could see the chest and he could see that they had opened it.

“Heda sent me to find out if there should be another place set for the meal.” He said, his jaw clenched.

“Er, no.” Clarke replied shaking her head a little, “we already ate at the tavern.”

He nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“We need to put this back.” Clarke said motioning to everything they had taken from the chest.

“Why do you look like you’ve just seen a ghost?” Ontari asked as she looked at Clarke, slight amusement in her voice.

“Everything in that chest belonged to Costia.” Clarke replied, motioning to the chest.

“And…?” the other girl asked in reply.

“We shouldn’t be going through it.” Clarke said, moving to put everything back as she had found it, though she knew that Ryder would be telling Lexa about it.

“She’s dead, it’s not like she’s going to need it.” Ontari said.

“That’s not the point.” The blonde girl replied, “this stuff obviously means a lot to Lexa, for her to keep it, we shouldn’t have opened the chest.”

“The dead are gone, Clarke.” The other girl said as she sat back against the bed, “maybe if the Commander could accept that, she wouldn’t keep this shit lying around.”

“Have you ever lost someone you care about?” Clarke asked, as she closed the chest again, closing the door to the closet space as well.

“My brother,” Ontari said with a nod, “he was one of the first killed in the final war before the Azgeda joined the coalition. That was a bloody war, a lot of people died. Some that I cared about, but it was war, people die.”

“The things that are in that chest are what led to that war.” Clarke said as she sat back on the bed, “Nia killing Costia is what started that war.”

“I know,” Ontari replied as she sat next to Clarke, “I was in the room when she finally killed her.”

Clarke just looked over at her, Ontari shrugged.

“She dragged it out for nearly a week,” she said, avoiding Clarke’s eyes, “every time we thought the knife had gone in too deeply the healer would come along and slow the bleeding. Later that day she would continue…”

“Why?” Clarke asked, “I mean I don’t understand what she hoped to gain from it, other than pissing Lexa off.”

“That was her intention,” the other girl replied, “not to start with. She had been so sure that Costia would tell her everything she wanted to know. The strength of the Commander’s army, how quick she could mobilize them. The defenses around the city, where the weak points were. All things that Costia would have known due to her closeness to the Commander.”

“When did her intentions change?” Clarke asked, leaning back on her elbows on the bed.

“The day after the torture started,” Ontari said with a sigh, “we had people here, Azgeda who could pass as other clans. The Commander had arrived back in Polis a matter of hours after Costia had been taken, our people told us that she had shown no sign of gathering her forces. She knew where Costia was, Nia made sure she would know, but she still didn’t come… When it became obvious that Costia wasn’t going to talk, Nia concentrated more on making it last as long as she could. Dragging it out.”

“Which you obviously think she shouldn’t have done…” Clarke said as she looked at the girl.

“I don’t know,” the other girl replied with a shrug, “the girl was as good as dead anyway, if she’d have told Nia what she wanted to know then maybe the end would’ve come quicker.”

“What if she didn’t know?” the blonde asked.

“She had to know, how could she not, she shared the Commander’s bed.” Ontari said looking back at Clarke.

“Doesn’t mean Lexa told her stuff like that…” Clarke said, “she didn’t tell me anything like that and we spent a lot of time alone, planning the attack on the mountain.”

“You weren’t sleeping with her though,” Ontari replied, leaning back so she was next to Clarke, “there’s a certain… trust that comes with long term intimacy, trust that you and the Commander obviously didn’t have. How long did it take her to tell you about Costia?”

“We were in Tondc,” Clarke said, “we’d just taken Finn’s body there… Murderer and victims joined in fire, to cleanse them of the pain of the past or something… I lit the fire…”

“You lit the fire?” Ontari asked as she looked at Clarke, the blonde nodded in reply, “that is something that only the Commander is supposed to do.”

“That explains why everyone started mumbling when she gave me the torch,” Clarke said, “we were standing watching the fire burn and she told me that she’d lost someone close to her too… Then she told me how Nia had kidnapped Costia, tortured her, killed her and cut off her head, because she was hers. She told me that she thought she’d never get over the pain, when I asked her how she did she said that she had accepted it for what it was. Weakness.”

“That explains a lot,” Ontari said, “tells me how she could stand there while my villages burned and children we slaughtered and do nothing about it.”

“It was war…” Clarke said laying back fully on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, “people die…”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was sitting behind the table in her room, again going over the plan she had worked out with Indra. It was exactly the same outcome every time. They were going to take losses, heavy losses. A knock at the door snapped Lexa from her thoughts.

“Yes.” She replied, looking between the door and the map on the table.

“Sorry to interrupt, Heda.” Ryder said as he walked into the room.

“What has Clarke done now?” Lexa asked with a sigh as she rubbed the back of her neck.

“A great many things I am sure,” Ryder replied, his voice tinged with amusement, “but that isn’t why I’m here. Abby and Marcus of the Skai Kru wish to speak to you.”

“Can it not wait until morning?” Lexa asked, looking at him.

“They insist that it is important, and cannot wait.” He replied, causing Lexa to sigh as she nodded.

“Show them to the meeting room,” she said as she stood up, “I’ll be there shortly.”

He nodded a little before leaving the room.

Lexa had no idea why Abby and Marcus would want to speak to her, Abby especially, there was no love lost there. With Marcus she had an odd type of relationship, one built of a mutual respect. She didn’t know how much of that respect remained after the night on the mountain.

It didn’t take her long to change her clothes and go to the meeting room, as soon as she entered both Abby and Marcus stood up from where they had been sitting.

“Thank you for agreeing to see us.” Marcus said with a slight bow of his head.

“Ryder told me it was important and couldn’t wait until morning,” Lexa replied, walking over to the table and taking the seat at the head of it, “can I offer you something to eat or drink, I’m sure you must have had a long journey?”

“That would be nice, thank you.” Marcus said.

Lexa looked at the woman who was standing by the door and nodded her head a little, letting her know that she could get them food.

“I must ask,” Lexa said as the door to the room closed behind the woman, leaving her alone with Abby and Marcus, “how did you find Polis?”

“One of the Azgeda warriors at Camp Jaha gave us directions.” Marcus replied.

“They are already at your camp?” Lexa asked, her jaw clenching slightly.

“One or two, yes,” he nodded, “the army has no yet arrived, they are expected to do so tomorrow.”

“Then why are you here to see me?” The Commander asked in reply, “Surely by now you are aware that I have agreed to send help, and that it will arrive the day after tomorrow.”

“We are aware, and we are grateful for the help,” Marcus said, with a nod of his head, “especially considering everything that has happened between our people…”

Lexa heard Abby huff a little, she turned her attention to the older woman.

“Is there something you wish to say, Abby?” Lexa asked, her voice remaining calm.

“As much as we do appreciate your help, we also know that as you are in a coalition with the Azgeda, it is your duty as Heda to send the help for them.” Abby said coldly.

“That is where you are very much mistaken,” Lexa replied, her gaze remaining fixed on the doctor, “I have no duty to send reinforcements for the Azgeda, which Nia would be aware of. I am only duty bound to provide warrior assistance if a war has started which I have been consulted about, or if my people are attacked without warning. Nia agreeing to help your people, as honorable as I am sure you think that action to be, automatically discounted any duty of assistance on my part.”

“Then why are you helping us?” Abby asked.

“I have asked myself that question many times in the previous few days,” Lexa said, “and I have yet to reach a decision that I believe to be satisfactory. My people have no alliance with yours, I have no duty to send assistance of any kind, your people fighting amongst themselves is not my concern. Again, this is something which Nia would have been aware of, which leads me to believe that is why she assigned Clarke the task of asking me. The decision I chose to make at Mount Weather, though regrettable in part due to what Clarke found herself having to do, was still the right one to make for my people. My actions that night caused harm to someone I care for, and if sending help to your people can begin to repair that damage, then that is what I will do.”

“So you’re doing it for Clarke, Octavia was right…” Abby said with a bitter laugh.

“Why are you here?” Lexa asked, a little more coldly than she intended.

“Clarke was supposed to return to Camp Jaha with the message herself,” Marcus said, looking between Lexa and Abby, hoping to calm the situation before it got any worse, “but she did not, instead an Azgeda messenger was sent. Abby and I are here to find out if Clarke is still here in Polis.”

“Yes, she is.” Lexa replied with a small nod as she looked back at him.

“Is she here by choice or are you holding her against her will?” Abby asked, a quiet knock at the door delaying Lexa’s answer.

Lexa shook her head a little as she was offered food, and she waited until Marcus and Abby had food in front of them before she answered Abby’s question.

“Clarke remains in Polis by choice,” Lexa said, “I am not forcing her to stay here, nor would I.”

“Can we see her?” Marcus asked, looking up from the plate of food.

“Once you have finished your meal I will have someone take you to her room.” Lexa said, “or I could take you there myself, which may be easier.”

 

x-x-x-x-x

 

Once Abby and Marcus had eaten their fill, Lexa took them to Clarke’s room. The two Sky People following on behind her were talking quietly, Lexa could hear enough to realize they were talking about the building.

“This building has been used by every Heda that came before me,” Lexa said glancing back at them, “Polis has always been a city which has been under Trikru control, it made sense to make it the capitol once the coalition had been formed.”

“How can one clan hold onto one city for so long?” Abby asked as they continued walking.

“Through force.” Lexa replied, “this city has been fought over many times.”

Lexa stopped at the door of Clarke’s room. The sounds that were filtering out through the wood in the door told Lexa that Clarke wasn’t asleep and that her Azgeda friend was still there. She knocked on the door, she heard Clarke curse a little.

“Hold on…” she heard Clarke say, before hearing noises which indicated the blonde was moving towards the door.

When the door opened Clarke stood there with nothing but a fur from the bed covering her, her hair was a mess and a bite mark was clearly visible on her shoulder.

“Lexa…” Clarke said, the surprise of the Commander knocking on her door was pretty obvious, “er… something I can help you with?”

Lexa noticed that Clarke pulled the door against her a little more, blocking out any view of the bed from the door, though Lexa didn’t need to see the bed to know what was going on.

“Your mother and Marcus wanted to see you,” Lexa said, her eyes fixed on Clarke’s face as she talked to her, her jaw clenched so tightly that Clarke could see the muscles moving, “they travelled here to ensure that you are here by choice and that I am not forcing you to remain.”

Lexa closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again Clarke was sure that she saw a flash of pain there, but as soon as it appeared it was gone.

“If you intend to remain in the city over night I am sure that the local tavern has vacancies,” Lexa said, looking at Marcus and Abby, “then you may return to your people with Clarke in the morning, as I assume that is when she will be leaving. If there’s nothing else…”

Lexa turned and started to walk away.

“Lexa…” Clarke called after her.

Lexa didn’t stop, nor did she slow down, she kept her eyes focused ahead of her and walked away.

 

x-x-x-x-x

 

The following morning, after a very troubled nights sleep, Lexa found herself walking towards Clarke’s room. She had already heard from Ryder that the girl the blonde had been with the night before had already left, though she had no idea why her feet were leading her to the room, maybe she hadn’t felt enough pain the night before. She had also been told that Clarke would be leaving that morning, as she had suspected. While she stood in the doorway of the room she could see Clarke putting her belongings into her bag, as she watched Lexa felt the emptiness once again building in her chest. She hadn’t set foot in the room herself for some time, it had been a door that had always remained closed. The room had been the place where Costia had stayed during the start of her relationship with Lexa, and though the furs and sheets on the bed had all be replaced, the last person to sleep in that bed had been Costia. The room held too many memories for Lexa, but it was also the safest bedroom in the building, due to it’s position near the meeting room. Other than her own room, of course. Lexa could tell that Clarke was tense by the way she was moving, she put it down the battle that would soon be happening. Slowly and quietly she walked into the room.

“Clarke…” she said, hoping to get the blonde’s attention, but still it was like Clarke didn’t know she was there.

She reached out and put her hand on Clarke’s shoulder, the blonde turning quickly, her dagger in her hand. Clarke’s free hand gripped Lexa’s shoulder as she put the blade to her throat. The Commander attempted to regain control of her breathing as she felt the blade to her neck. She kept her eyes fixed on Clarke’s eyes, she didn’t fail to notice the confusion she briefly saw, nor did she fail to notice how Clarke’s eyes flicked from her own, to her lips, then down to Clarke’s own hand, which had started trembling at this point. As easy as it would have been for Lexa to disarm the blonde girl, she didn’t, knowing that this had to be Clarke’s choice. She felt the wall behind her as her breathing began to even out again. The look in Clarke’s eyes was something that Lexa had never wanted to see. It was almost like she was dead behind the eyes, like Clarke herself was no longer there.

“It would be so easy…” the blonde said, looking down at the blade in her hand.

Lexa tried to swallow as the blade pushed harder against her neck, out of the corner of her eye she could see Indra and Ryder at the door, both with their weapons drawn. Clarke hadn’t noticed them; she was still too focused on Lexa. The Commander raised her hand a little, indicating to Indra and Ryder to stay where they were and lower their weapons.

“Didn’t you always tell me that blood must have blood.” Clarke said, now looking in Lexa’s eyes.

“If this is what you feel you must do, in order to start to forgive yourself for the lives you have taken,” Lexa replied steadily, her tongue darting out to wet her now dry lips, “then do it. No one will stop you.”

“What do you know about forgiveness?” Clarke snapped, pushing the blade harder against Lexa’s throat.

“I know that, despite you believing that you need it, you do not.” Lexa replied, stepping forward just a little, “You did what you had to do to save your people, Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyes widened a little as Lexa stepped forward, a small red line now very visible under her blade. Her eyes flicked from Lexa’s eyes to her throat and back.

“You are not a monster, Clarke,” Lexa continued, “a monster would not grieve over the lives they had taken. A monster would not punish themselves in the way that you are. If taking my life will end your nightmares and help you bury your demons, then take it, it’s yours.”

“I should kill you…” Clarke said, her hand starting to shake a bit more, “I should. If you hadn’t… they’d still be alive.”

“Nobody is going to stop you.” Lexa replied, closing her eyes briefly as she felt the blood begin to slowly trickle down her neck, Clarke’s hand shaking causing the blade to move.

“You walked away, Lexa,” Clarke said, her voice shaking slightly “you turned your back and you walked away. You left my people inside the mountain to die, you used them as a bargaining tool. Leaving them to die so your people could live.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, there was nothing she could say.

“You… you left me, Lexa,” Clarke continued, the first stray tears falling from her eyes, “you left me… alone…”

“I have told you before, I do not regret the decision I made, it was the only choice I had to save my people,” Lexa replied, “but there is a part of that decision that I do regret, and I will always regret until the last breath leaves my body, and that is leaving you alone.”

That was all it took for Clarke to break down completely. The tears started to fall freely as she dropped her arm, the knife falling from her hand and clattering onto the floor. She stumbled backwards towards the bed, putting distance between herself and Lexa.

“Heda…” Ryder said from the door.

“Everything is fine,” Lexa said, looking over at him as she used her hand to feel the wound on her neck, as she brought her hand back down she could see blood, but it wasn’t any amount that she had to worry about, “can you go and see if the warriors are ready to march?”

Ryder nodded and after one more look over at Clarke he turned and walked away.

“You as well Indra.” Lexa said calmly.

“Heda, I do not think…” Indra started to say.

“She is not going to harm me, Indra.” Lexa said, looking over at the older woman.

Though she obviously wasn’t happy with leaving Lexa alone with Clarke, Indra nodded her head once and walked away. For a few moments Lexa didn’t move, she just stood with her back against the wall, watching Clarke.

“Does it ever get any easier?” Clarke asked, with a sniff.

“Does what ever get any easier?” Lexa asked softly in reply.

“Killing people,” Clarke said, glancing up at Lexa before looking away again, “being responsible for ending so many lives…”

“No,” Lexa replied honestly, “it doesn’t. Nor should it. The decision to end a life is not one that should be easily made. But as warriors it is what we do. As leaders it is something that we must do to protect our people.”

“How have you not become completely broken by now?” the blonde asked.

“Very big walls…” Lexa said with a sad laugh as she walked over to the bed where Clarke was sitting, she sat down a distance away from her, giving Clarke space, “to survive in this world I have made many choices which are difficult to live with. But I have done so because I must. I am Heda… But that is not all I am, I am also Lexa. To survive I must separate the two. Keep Lexa hidden behind very big walls. Any thoughts I had about being able to live my life as both vanished long ago…”

“Costia…” Clarke said quietly.

“Even before…” Lexa replied.

“This was her room, wasn’t it…?” Clarke asked, looking at Lexa, who just nodded a little, “the chest in the closet…”

“Contains the very few pieces of her life which I cannot bring myself to destroy…” Lexa replied.

“Why did you keep it?” Clarke asked, “I mean you’re the one who first told me that the dead are gone…”

“I keep it as a reminder of what I had,” Lexa said with a sigh, “and what I lost. I cannot go back and change the past, I cannot go back to the day the Azgeda took her, but I can remind myself not to make the same mistake again.”

“You think loving her was a mistake?” the blonde asked, her brow furrowed as she looked at Lexa.

“Loving her was… not a mistake,” Lexa replied, glancing over at Clarke, “Allowing myself to embrace a moment of weakness and fall in love with her… was. Believing that I could protect her, keep her safe… That my enemies would not, in time, use her as a tool against me. That was a mistake.”

Ryder knocked on the door, interrupting the conversation.

“They are ready, Heda.” He said to Lexa, who simply nodded a little in return as she stood up and walked towards the door.

“So you keep a chest of her things to remind you not to fall in love again?” Clarke asked, stopping Lexa in her tracks.

“No, it is there to remind me what will happen,” Lexa said with a sigh, not looking back, “it is the only inevitable outcome.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

After talking to her warriors, reminding them what they were fighting for, Lexa stood and watched as those riding horses mounted them. She watched as Clarke hesitated to get onto her horse.

“Do you require assistance?” Ryder asked as he walked away from where Lexa was standing, fighting to keep the smile from her lips at his question.

Clarke stood, one hand on either end of the saddle, her left foot up in the stirrup, as she lowered her head a little.

“Can I stay?” she asked, knowing that Lexa could hear her.

“If that is what you choose.” Lexa replied.

Clarke took her foot from the stirrup of the horse and stepped away.

“Clarke…” Abby said, looking down at her daughter from her own horse.

“I can’t do it, mom,” Clarke said walking over to her mother, “I can’t have any more blood on my hands, it’s too much… I’m sorry.”

Abby couldn’t keep the emotion from her eyes as she looked at Clarke, she knew that her daughter was broken, and she knew that she was partly to blame for that. She nodded her understanding as Clarke walked over and stood near Lexa.

“I thought you would’ve told me to leave after what happened in the room…” Clarke said quietly enough for only Lexa to hear her.

“You need to heal, Clarke,” Lexa said, just as quietly, glancing over at her, “the best place to do that is not a battle field.”

“Thank you…” Clarke replied, to which Lexa nodded.

“Will your Azgeda _friends_ be remaining in Polis?” The Commander asked.

“You mean will Ontari be staying in Polis?” Clarke asked in reply.

“I meant exactly what I said, Clarke.” Lexa said, attempting to keep her face as straight as possible.

“They left this morning before sunrise,” Clarke replied, “they’re on their way back to Nia’s army.”

Again Lexa simply nodded in reply, a small smile tugging at her lips when she heard the amusement in Clarke’s voice.

As they stood and watched as the warriors marched away, Ryder walked back over to where Lexa was standing.

“The final unit will be ready to march at nightfall.” He said to her before walking away towards the training arena.

“Final unit?” Clarke asked, looking over at Lexa, “you said you’d be sending two units, 500 troops…”

“To Camp Jaha, yes,” Lexa said with a nod as she looked back at Clarke, “the final unit will be marching with me to Tondc.”

“I thought you were staying here.” Clarke said.

“You believed what I wanted you to believe.” Lexa replied, “I did not intend to deceive you, but I simply could not trust that you would not drink too much and tell everything to your… friend.”

“She has a name, you know.” Clarke said with a smirk.

“Even my horse has a name, Clarke.” Lexa said, turning and walking back into the building.

“You know,” Clarke said, running to catch up with Lexa, “you might actually like her if you gave her a chance.”

“There are two reasons I know that not to be true,” Lexa replied as Clarke started walking next to her, “she is Azgeda, they do not make the most reliable to friends…”

“That’s one reason, what’s the other?” Clarke asked.

As Lexa was about to reply to what Clarke had said Ryder walked over to them.

“Heda,” he said, “you have a meeting with the representative from the Boat People.”

“Who did they send?” Lexa asked as she looked at him.

“Luna herself.” Ryder replied, causing a small smile to play across Lexa’s lips.

“Thank you,” she said before looking at Clarke, “if you’ll excuse me.”

“You didn’t answer my question, Lexa.” Clarke said to her.

Lexa smiled a little and walked towards the stairs, leaving Clarke shaking her head a little as she went.

“Will you be joining us in Tondc?” Ryder asked Clarke as Lexa walked up the stairs.

“I think I will.” She said with a small nod.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

As Clarke was walking back up the stairs to her room she heard Lexa talking to someone, who she assumed was Luna, as she passed one of the smaller rooms.

“The other clan leaders are not going to like it.” Luna said.

“In time they will come to see the benefit.” Lexa replied, Clarke could tell from the sound of her voice she was frowning a little bit.

“What benefit, Lexa?” Luna asked, “what could they possibly offer that would make it worthwhile you re-writing the entire coalition agreement.”

“It would not be re-writing the entire coalition agreement,” Lexa argued, “it would simply be adding one more flag, one more clan to the list, one more seat at the table.”

“What would they offer?” Luna asked again, “If you cannot convince me that this is a good idea, Lexa, you stand no chance of convincing the others, you know that.”

“I know,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “it would be an end to the fighting.”

“I do not see how, did you not say just moments ago, that they are currently fighting amongst themselves?” Luna asked.

“Yes, I did…” Lexa started to say.

“And did you not also say that you had sent 500 of your warriors to help the Azgeda calm the situation?” Luna asked.

“Yes, and…” Lexa said.

“And what happens if you can’t,” Luna said, interrupting her again, “what happens if the situation escalates, you are automatically bringing the other 10 clans into a war that we did not want.”

“If you allow me to finish my sentence…” Lexa said with a sigh, “it is going to work. With the numbers that Nia has sent and those that I have added, it will work. There will be loses, but it will work. Now, as for the benefit of them joining the coalition… we stand to learn a lot from each other, their use of medicine and technology would mean that we would no longer have to leave people to die because we cannot treat them.”

“Technology which was used in the Mountain to drain the blood from our people.” Luna replied, “if we allow them to join the coalition, who is to say that one day they will not turn around and demand more for what they contribute, who is to say that one day they will not be in control of the coalition.”

“If the technology is something that can be traded, then we will already have access to it, so it will not be used against us.” Lexa said, “I recall, in the early days of the coalition, people having objections to the other clans joining. The Desert Clan, for example, did not want your people to join, as they failed to see what you could offer them as they have no water and do not eat fish. We can find a common ground; I know this can work.”

“It is going to take a lot of work for you to make it happen, Lexa,” Luna said, “there will be a lot of objections for you to work through.”

“Which is why I have called the clan leaders together, after this battle is over, everyone is to meet here,” Lexa replied, “we will all sit down and discuss it. We will come together, as a coalition, and find a way for it to work.”

“Have you even asked the Sky People about this yet?” Luna asked.

“No,” Lexa said, “I was considering waiting until after they finish trying to kill each other…”

Luna laughed a little.

“Once the dust has settled in the days following the battle, I will talk to their leader, or leaders,” Lexa continued, “I am unsure what their current leadership situation is…”

“I thought Clarke had returned to her people following her… absence.” Luna said.

“It is… complicated,” Lexa replied, “she was never their elected leader, though we always dealt with her as such. My understanding of the way their leaders are chosen is a little limited. Clarke once told me that she wouldn’t be elected as the leader of her people due to her age, they have a rule that to lead you must be over the age of 21, that is the age they consider you to be an adult.”

“She saved them all, our people too, and they refuse to follow her because they believe her to be a child?” Luna asked, the disbelief evident in her voice.

“Yes, to put it simply,” Lexa said, “though I do believe, once this is over, she will still have a part to play in the Sky People joining the coalition. Though she is not their leader, as you said, she did save them from the Mountain, so she carries a lot of respect, and responsibility…”

“You carry a lot of responsibility.” Luna countered, “you have the lives of thousands in your hands every day.”

“Responsibility that I have had a lot more time to accept.” Lexa responded, “I was not simply dropped from the sky and told to survive. Clarke was.”

“What is she to you, Lexa?” Luna asked.

“The inevitable…” Lexa replied.

Before Lexa could finish what she was saying, Ryder walked up the stairs behind Clarke.

“Is there something you need assistance with, Clarke?” he asked.

“No, no,” Clarke replied, shaking her head a little, “I was just… going to my room.”

Clarke turned and quickly walked to the next set of stairs.

“Clarke.” Lexa said from the doorway, letting Clarke know that she hadn’t been quick enough.

“Yes.” Clarke replied, turning back and looking at Lexa.

“How much of that conversation did you hear?” the Commander asked, her arms folded across her chest.

“Conversation?” Clarke asked, “what conversation?”

“If you would join us, I can inform you about what we were talking about.” Lexa said.

Clarke nodded a little and walked back down the stairs, following Lexa into the small room, seeing someone she didn’t know sitting on one of the other chairs.

“Clarke, this is Luna, the leader of the Boat People,” Lexa said, as she motioned for Clarke to take a seat, “Luna, this is Clarke…”

“Destroyer of Mountains.” Luna said with a small smile.

“Not the mountain, just the people in it.” Clarke said rubbing the back of her neck as she sat down.

“I am sensing that you are still not comfortable with your reputation.” Luna replied, looking between Lexa and Clarke.

“I am not comfortable with what I had to do that night,” Clarke corrected, “the reputation isn’t something I think too much about.”

“And the name Wanheda?” Luna asked, causing Lexa to look at her, “apparently that is her title amongst the Azgeda.”

“How do you know that?” Clarke asked as she looked at Luna, “And I wouldn’t say it’s a title, exactly…”

“My people trade very closely with the Azgeda,” Luna replied, “we are one of the few clans with a permanent trading post in their capitol. It was actually my people who informed Lexa of your whereabouts.”

“You were looking for me?” the blonde asked, snapping her eyes to Lexa.

“Everyone was looking for you, Clarke.” Lexa replied with a sigh.

“You knew where I was, the whole time?” Clarke asked in reply.

“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “I wasn’t sure exactly where you were until about a week before you arrived here.”

“So the fact that I came here asking for assistance for the Azgeda…” Clarke started to say.

“Was not much of a surprise, no.” Lexa said, “I had hoped I would be wrong, but alas, I wasn’t.”

“What would us, the Sky People, joining your coalition do, exactly?” Clarke asked, turning the conversation back to what it should have been.

“It would mean that I would not have to ask my generals before sending reinforcements if you were attacked again,” Lexa stated, “it would not be something that would be questioned the way it has been. It would give your people the ability to trade amongst the rest of the clans, you could travel to any part of my territory and be able to stay in any of the villages, towns and cities along the way. You would have a representative here in Polis, someone who would be involved in meetings and decisions regarding the other clans.”

“Decisions that you would still have the final say over.” Clarke replied, sitting back in the chair a little.

“It is not a democracy as you understand it, though from my understanding of your people’s democratic process it may actually be an improvement,” Lexa said, sensing the challenge in Clarke’s words, “the leader of the coalition is not elected. Though my position is not guaranteed either, any of the other clan leaders can challenge it at any time, if they get the backing of one or more of the remaining clan leaders, then I must fight to remain head of the coalition.”

“Fight?” Clarke asked.

“Literally,” Lexa said with a nod, “a challenge can be made at any time the clan leaders are all in attendance, and I am required to fight against a warrior from their clan who is of their choosing.”

“Has that ever happened?” the blonde asked.

“No,” the Commander replied, “not yet. We had a common enemy in the mountain, now that enemy is gone things have become strained, but not to the point where anyone deemed it appropriate to challenge my leadership.”

“Has Nia ever tried?” was the next question that Clarke asked.

“Yes, though she has never been able to get agreement from another clan leader.” Luna said answering the question so Lexa didn’t have to.

“And all the other clan leaders would have to agree with us becoming the 13th clan?” Clarke asked, looking between Luna and Lexa.

“A majority of them would yes,” Lexa said, “we would need 7 of the clan leaders to agree.”

“How likely is that?” the blonde asked, “I mean, really? I heard Luna saying that if you couldn’t convince her then you wouldn’t be able to convince the others.”

“I can count on the 4 most northern clans to give their agreement, I saved them from wars they could not win with the Azgeda,” Lexa said, thinking through the clan list in her head, “The Desert Clan would give their backing…”

“You save them from a sandstorm?” Clarke asked, causing Luna to laugh a little and Lexa’s lips to curl up into a small smile.

“Drought, believe it or not, their people were dying.” she replied.

“So that makes 5,” Clarke said, “still not the 7 you would need.”

Lexa looked at Luna, a questioning look in her eye.

“I… could be persuaded to give you the backing of the Boat People.” She said with a small smile as she looked at Lexa.

“I’m guessing you can’t count the Trikru in the 7…” Clarke said.

“Unfortunately not,” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little, “it may not be difficult to get the backing of 10 of the remaining 11 clans. Your… you have a lot of respect amongst my people, Clarke. I know you do not see how, but many view you as a hero. You are quickly becoming legend in the taverns of Polis. If you were to appear before the clan leaders, I think those who would be concerned about your people joining the coalition would reconsider.”

“You said 10 of the remaining 11.” Clarke said.

“I did,” Lexa said with a nod, “I believe that Nia would stand against you.”

“She’s helping my people; why would she stand against us joining the coalition?” Clarke asked, “it makes no sense.”

“While she is helping your people, her people stand to gain directly from the outcome,” Lexa explained, “I believe that if you were to request to join the coalition she would oppose it as she personally stands to gain nothing, anything that she would gain through the new trade agreements and everything else would not only benefit her people, we would all have access to the same thing.”

“Makes sense I guess…” Clarke said with a sigh.

“Are your people likely to agree to it?” Luna asked, looking at Clarke, “I understand you have been away from them for a while, but would they still listen to you?”

“If this whole thing that’s going on now, with the infighting and political bullshit can be resolved in the way I hope,” Clarke started, “my mother mentioned something about holding new elections soon after, but until then she would still technically be chancellor, which would mean that the other 2 current council members would stay the same as well. I could probably convince those 2 that this is the right thing to do for our people. We don’t like fighting; we just want to survive…”

“Your mother would not agree.” Lexa said, making it a statement of fact rather than a question.

“My mother hates fighting,” Clarke said with a shrug, “she just hates you more.”

“She is a… frustrating woman to reason with.” Lexa replied.

“A little more diplomatically than I would have put it…” Clarke said, nodding a little, “the advantage of only having 3 current council members is that there isn’t going to be a split vote, meaning my mother will not be able to overrule it.”

“Who are the other two council members?” Lexa asked curiously.

“Kane and Bellamy…” Clarke replied, “you already have an understanding with Kane, and Bellamy will listen to me.”

“The only thing left is to see how this battle plays out,” Lexa said with a sigh, “let the cards fall where they may…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter than the last, but it will fill in some of the blanks, it may also leave you all with more questions than answers, sorry about that. Hope you all enjoy reading it. Remember you can find me over on tumblr @ unaligned-valkyrie. Happy New Year to everyone, have a great one!

 

They had left Polis at nightfall, riding for hours before setting up a temporary camp. Clarke had ridden alongside Ryder, just behind Lexa and one of her generals who Clarke still didn’t know the name of. Ryder hadn’t spoken a word the whole time they had been riding, nor had Clarke attempted to strike up a conversation with him. Once they had set up the camp for the night, Clarke sat against a tree at the edge of the clearing they were using for the camp, she was looking up at the stars which she could see beyond the tops of the trees.

She had spent hours on the Ark looking out of the small window that her cell in the Sky Box had, wondering what life was like on Earth. It was nothing like she imagined it would be, yet at the same time, it was so much more. She could never imagine all the lives she would have to take to survive. Though Clarke knew at this point she wasn’t even surviving. She was existing, and she was barely doing that.

x-x-x

From where she was standing, in front of her tent, Lexa could see Clarke looking up at the stars. She had thought a few times about how the ground must have been a massive change for the Sky People. Back before the fall of the mountain, Clarke had told her about how things worked on the Ark, how they grew food, where their water came from, the fact that the oxygen had to be recycled. She had also told her the stories that her people had, about the Ark once being 13 separate stations, 12 of them coming together to form the Ark that Clarke was born on, the other being blown out of the sky. Lexa had failed to understand how, when they believe they were the only humans left alive, why they would needlessly waste lives by destroying a station. It would have made more sense to find some way to all survive together. It also reminded her, in part, of her own battles to unite the 12 clans.

Many lives had been lost in Lexa’s attempt to get everyone living together peacefully, more lives than the Commander could even begin to count. At first, every loss of life hit Lexa hard, but through it all she had Anya reminding her that the end result would be better for everyone. From the stories that Lexa had been told by her own people, stories that had been passed down through the years, the fighting had started as soon as people left the safety of the bunkers. Bunkers which Lexa’s people had not returned to in many years.

When Lexa had become Heda, there was a kind of truce amongst the Trikru and the Boat People, they would trade and people were free to come and go between the two. Lexa had often wondered if that could happen between two clans, why not the rest. That is how the idea of there being a coalition was born in her mind. She had known it wouldn’t be easy, change never is, but she knew that it really would be the best thing for everyone in the end. And though they still had their problems, and not everybody would ever agree to everything, maintaining the peace between the clans had been something that Lexa had become pretty good at. She only hoped that would continue if and when the Sky People joined the coalition.

The addition of the Sky People to the coalition wasn’t an idea that had come into her head recently, it had been something she had been thinking about in one way or another since the start of the short-lived truce between them. She had been faced with a choice that day, work with them or destroy them. Knowing what Clarke was prepared to do for her people had made that decision easier for Lexa, though a very small part of her realized that the other choice would have been easier in the long run. In the days after the fall of the mountain, one or two of the other clan leaders had pushed Lexa to declare war on the Sky People. The Commander herself knew that was partly due to fear. Clarke had done something that others before her had failed to do, she had defeated the Mountain Men, she had rid the territory of it’s biggest enemy. They also feared what the Sky People had found in the mountain, the technology and weaponry they had discovered. Deep down Lexa knew, even with her actions that night, in the days following the fall of the mountain the Sky People were not a threat. If they became one in the time that followed, Lexa told the other clan leaders that she would deal with it personally.

Now, as she stood outside her tent, watching her warriors prepare the kill for the meal, she was risking her own people’s lives to save the Sky People. During the ride from Polis she had questioned why she was doing it. Was it simply to save them or was there more to it? Was she searching for her own redemption? Was she hoping that her actions would lead Clarke to forgive her for what she had done? She knew that if she was searching for redemption it would take more than simply saving the Sky People from themselves. Lexa could probably repopulate Polis with the lives that she had taken since she became Heda. There was no redemption for that. She also knew, no matter how much she was questioning her own motives for agreeing to send help, it would benefit her people. No matter why she had personally made the decision, it was the best thing for her people. Allowing one part of the Sky People to survive, the part who currently hated the Grounders, would mean all-out war for Lexa’s people. She would stand to be blamed for their actions, her decision to leave them that night on the mountain would come back to haunt her. Though in some ways she knew that had already happened.

x-x-x

Clarke knew, though her attention was focused on the stars, Lexa was looking at her. She always knew. It used to make her uncomfortable, it made her question every action she made, now she was used to it. It used to bother her that Lexa could read her like a book, it was like the Commander could look at her and know all her deepest darkest secrets. But she knew that Lexa would never judge her for what she had done. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if that would still stand true when all this was over.

While she was thinking, Lexa’s voice kept running around in her head _‘the duty to protect my people comes first’_. In the brief time that she had known Lexa, because even though they had been through so much, the timeframe wasn’t long, the Commander had taught Clarke a lot about what it meant to lead her people. Many of those lessons the blonde didn’t even realize she was being taught until the time arouse to need it. The lesson that Clarke had learnt from Lexa’s betrayal was one she was currently using. Her people come first. Whatever the cost to her personally, the price was worth paying to save her people. As she glanced over at Lexa, who promptly looked away, Clarke found herself fighting with the tiny bit of doubt which was growing in her mind. When does something become too high a price to pay?

A crunch of a tree branch cleared Clarke’s mind of all her thoughts as Ryder walked over to her. He didn’t say a word as he held out a metal plate of food for her. Clarke nodded a little as she took the plate from him.

“Did you tell her?” Clarke asked as he turned to walk away.

“Did I tell her what?” he asked in reply, turning back and walking back over to where the blonde was sitting.

“About the chest in the room, did you tell her?” Clarke said.

“No, I didn’t tell her,” Ryder replied, sitting on the ground not far from where Clarke was leaning against the tree, “I could not decide how to word it. How would you tell Heda that someone she cares about broke open a chest of her lost loves last belongs, the only part of Costia that she still has?”

“I didn’t know what it was…” Clarke said, looking down at the plate of food in front of her, “if I did…”

“I left instructions for a new lock to be placed on the chest while we are away from Polis,” he said as he stood up, “if you are lucky she will not know.”

“Thank you…” the blonde replied.

“I did not do it for you.” He said as he walked back to the fire.

“Yep,” Clarke mumbled to herself as she took a bite of the meat from the plate, “definitely hates me.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

After she had eaten her food, Lexa had returned to her tent after she had informed her warriors that they would be riding the entire distance to Tondc the following day. She wanted to get there around the same time her units reached Camp Jaha. Indra knew that she would be in Tondc, and had said she would send a messenger to keep Lexa up to date. There was still planning to do, but it could be done once they reached the village. As usual it hadn’t taken Lexa long to fall asleep, she had long since become used to the ghosts she could not get rid of. The nightmares had stopped keeping her awake long ago. There were still times when she would awaken through the night, but it was something she was used to.

While she was sleeping she heard muffled moans, someone begging for someone to stop, the word no repeated time and time again. As she opened her eyes she realized that the sounds were not from a dream she was having. Reaching under her pillow she picked up her dagger, climbing out of bed she put on her boots and grabbed her coat from the back of a chair as she walked to the entrance of her tent. Cautiously she left her tent, looking around she could see that the fire had long since started to go out. The night sounds from the forest flooded around her as she tried to figure out where the noises were coming from. Looking over to Clarke’s tent she saw Ryder standing just outside it. He had obviously been woken by the same sounds and had gone to investigate.

“I believe she is having nightmares, Heda.” He said as he saw Lexa.

“That would be the logical conclusion,” Lexa said with a sigh, her brow furrowed a little as she recalled Clarke telling her that she couldn’t get the nightmares to stop, “can you prepare a tea for her, the one Nyko made for me when I had trouble sleeping?”

“Sha, Heda.” He said with a small nod, returning to his own tent to prepare the tea.

Lexa took a deep breath, letting it out slowly she made her way into Clarke’s tent. The images of what had happened the last time she had startled Clarke were clear in her mind as she walked over to the bed. The blonde was tossing and turning, her hair sticking to her face in places where she had been sweating.

“No…” Clarke mumbled, “no I won’t do it…”

Lexa gently sat down on Clarke’s bed, near the blonde girl’s legs. It hurt her in places she had long since forgotten to see Clarke in such turmoil. It hurt her to think that she was partly to blame for that.

“You can’t…” Clarke muttered, “no… stop.”

“Clarke…” Lexa said, softly putting her hand on Clarke’s leg over the furs on the bed.

The blonde kicked her leg a little, causing Lexa to move her hand.

“Clarke.” She tried again, a little louder this time.

“No…” the blonde said, sitting bolt up-right on the bed, her breathing erratic as she looked at Lexa.

“It was a nightmare,” Lexa said, placing her hand on Clarke’s arm, “it’s okay, you’re safe.”

They both sat there in silence as Clarke’s breathing returned to normal.

“I’m sorry…” Clarke said, moving herself back up the bed away from Lexa.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Clarke.” Lexa replied softly, “We cannot control what we see in our dreams.”

“I meant I was sorry for waking you up.” The blonde said pulling her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees.

“I am a light sleeper.” Lexa said with a small smile, “would you like to talk about it, I find that it sometimes helps.”

“No…” Clarke replied, shaking her head a little.

Lexa nodded, indicating that she wouldn’t push Clarke to talk about it if she wasn’t ready. Silence once again fell over them as Lexa watched the mixed emotions flash across the blonde’s face, it was like she was fighting an internal battle.

“I don’t even really remember it…” Clarke said out of nowhere, “I get flashes but nothing solid…”

A knock on the wooden support near the door caused Clarke to jump.

“It’s only Ryder,” Lexa explained as she stood up, “I asked him to make you a tea to help you sleep…”

Clarke watched as Lexa walked to the entrance of the tent, opened it and took a cup from Ryder. They exchanged a few words which Clarke couldn’t hear before Ryder walked away and Lexa brought the tea back over to her. As Lexa sat back down on the bed she held the cup out to Clarke who just looked cautiously at it.

“It will not harm you, Clarke,” Lexa said with a small smile, “it is what Nyko prepares for me when I cannot sleep. It just helps your mind and body to relax, nothing more.”

When Clarke didn’t take the cup from her Lexa nodded a little and put it on the floor near the bed.

“It is there if you change your mind.” She said.

“Do you ever have those dreams where it’s like it’s you but it’s not…” Clarke said, “like you can see everything, hear everything… feel everything, but it’s like it’s not happening to you, even though it is?”

“Sometimes,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “they usually follow traumatic events.”

“My whole life has been a traumatic event.” Clarke said with a short laugh, shaking her head a little, “the dreams always start the same, I’m hugging Bellamy and I’m walking away from the camp… I just keep walking and walking for days…”

“What happened after you left the camp, where did you go?” Lexa asked as she turned a little so she could look at Clarke without having to turn her head.

“I came across a little outpost, I wouldn’t even call it a village, it was a few huts,” Clarke said with a sigh, “I met this woman, she never did tell me her name, she let me into her home, gave me something to eat, somewhere to clean up… I was a mess. She didn’t ask me who I was, she just helped me… I stayed there for a couple of days…”

Lexa listened as Clarke talked, trying to work out where the outpost would have been.

“As I was leaving she told me about this trading post,” Clarke continued, “somewhere I could probably find someone who would let me work for food and a roof over my head. Neither of which I really wanted, I just wanted to disappear… she also told me that she knew exactly who I was, and what I had done. Told me that someone like me would stand out a mile, if I wanted to blend in and not draw attention I should change my hair colour… don’t really get a lot of Grounders with blonde hair like mine…”

Lexa smiled and nodded a little, it was true, blonde hair as bright as Clarke’s was hard to find on the ground.

“She knew exactly who I was, the whole time I was there, and she allowed me in her home,” Clarke said, furrowing her brow a little, “she wasn’t afraid of me, she just… Anyway, a few days later I came across this trading post she had been talking about. It didn’t take long for me to find something to do... People are always looking for a healer, right… one night I was in the tavern there, drinking everything I had made that day, like I usually did, it was the only way for me to forget… this girl walked over to me, Niylah her name was, she told me that she knew who I was, that people were looking for me…”

“Like I said, everyone was looking for you, Clarke.” Lexa said, as the blonde looked up at her, “Everyone.”

“She was Azgeda…” Clarke said, reaching down to the side of the bed and picking up the tea, gaining a small smile from Lexa as she did so, “I’d seen her around while I’d been at the trading post, she’d always been really helpful and nice to me. She explained that the Azgeda were looking for me, Nia wanted to talk to me about something…”

“That is how you ended up with the Azgeda?” Lexa asked.

“No…” the blonde said, shaking her head a little as she started to drink the tea, “one night, a few days later, Niylah and I were… at my place… it was just a room, with a bed in it… someone had banged on the door and said the Azgeda were there. We ran… But they were everywhere. We ended up under the trading post, maintenance tunnels…”

Lexa watched as Clarke started to shake her head a little as she spoke, her eyes were fixed on the tent next to her bed.

“But they were waiting when we got out of the other side,” Clarke continued, “I didn’t see Niylah again after that, I… don’t know what happened to her. All she did was try to help, and… everything’s a little fuzzy after that…”

“You cared about her…” Lexa said.

“I don’t know…” Clarke said with a small shrug, “maybe I did… or maybe I just wanted some kind of… I don’t know, human affection… someone to not care who I was, what I’d done…”

“That counts for two, possibly three weeks,” Lexa replied, “You were gone for three months, Clarke…”

“Time moves differently when you’re out there on your own…” the blonde said, “I guess I was with the Azgeda for the rest of the time. I remember the day I met Ontari, she came into the room where I was to give me something to eat. I remember a healer coming in at one point… I must have hurt myself or something, I don’t remember…”

Lexa furrowed her brow as she looked at Clarke.

“Roll up your sleeves.” Lexa said.

“What?” Clarke asked, “Why?”

“Please…” the brunette replied.

Clarke handed Lexa the cup which was now nearly empty and rolled up her sleeves. Up the inside of Clarke’s arms were knife marks, wounds that had been cauterized using a heated blade. Lexa slowly reached out, taking the back of Clarke’s hand in hers as she looked at the wounds.

“Do you have more of these?” she asked, her eyes flicking up to Clarke’s before she looked back at the blonde’s arm.

“I don’t even remember how they got there…” Clarke said quietly, “guess I was… am a little more screwed up than I thought…”

“These are not self-inflicted, Clarke,” Lexa replied, shaking her head a little, “a self-inflicted wound tends to move from the outside in, you pull the blade towards your body rather than dragging it away. The scars on your left arm are not even fully healed yet, which means they were deeper. You favour your left hand, that means the wounds to the right arm would have been deeper if they were self-inflicted. You did not do this to yourself.”

“You’re saying I let someone do this to me?” Clarke asked, looking down at her arms.

“I am saying that you may not have had a choice…” Lexa said, clenching her jaw a little.

Lexa’s eyes travelled up Clarke’s arm, stopping at her elbow. Running her finger over the small marks she found in the soft skin on the inside of Clarke’s arm she closed her eyes.

“What?” Clarke asked, fighting the yawn that was now threatening to escape her.

“Nothing,” Lexa said shaking her head a little as she moved to stand up, “we can talk about this more in the morning.”

“I don’t want to sleep…” Clarke said as she lay back down on the bed.

“Is that a fact?” Lexa asked, a small smile playing on her lips as she saw that Clarke’s eyes were already closing.

The blonde nodded a hummed a little.

“Good night, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly as she walked from the tent.

When Lexa left the tent she saw Ryder sitting near a small fire, he looked over at her, concern on his face as he saw her jaw clench.

“What is it?” he asked, causing her to look at him.

“You did not have to stay awake.” She replied, walking over to where he was sitting.

“I do not need much sleep,” he said with a small smile as Lexa sat down, “what is troubling you?”

“I believe she has been conditioned…” Lexa said, fixing her eyes on the fire, “she has knife wounds on her arms, to an untrained eye they would appear to be self-inflicted, which is what Clarke herself believed. The wounds move from the inside of the arm, out, not from the outside of the arm in towards the body. They were not sutured closed, which any healer would normally do as the wounds themselves wouldn’t have been life threatening, they were cauterized.”

“She was tortured…” he said quietly.

“There are also puncture marks on the inside of her elbows.” Lexa said with a nod, “she does not remember how the wounds were made on her arms, she remembers a healer treating her when she hurt herself, but she does not remember how she hurt herself. Nothing else makes sense to me.”

“Perhaps that is what you’re supposed to think.” He said causing her to look up at him, “if you want to make someone believe that they can trust you, even when every fiber of their being is telling them not to, what would you do?”

“Make them believe that the choices you are making are not your own…” Lexa replied with a sigh.

“She has been gone for three months, Heda,” he said, “her mind has been damaged, she is broken, you know that. A broken mind is easily manipulated. She may believe that what she is doing is right, that it is the only thing she can do. It would not be the first time that Nia has attempted to use your… someone you care for, against you.”

“My feelings,” Lexa said shaking her head a little, “that’s what you meant.”

“She may be a tool in this game, or she may be one of the players.” Ryder replied, “Until you know which, I suggest moving with caution.”

Lexa nodded a little as she watched the fire burning, the flames flicking up and disappearing into the darkness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finds out that her suspicions about Clarke are well-founded. Clarke finds out what happened to Niylah and starts piecing back together the memories she is missing. She is finally honest with Lexa, or as honest as she can be. Will the Commander run or will she be the one to help Clarke pick up the pieces?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now officially emotionally drained but as promised here is an update. A little warning here, it gets very dark in places, but it's needed for the storyline. Drop me a comment, let me know what you think :)

 

The sun was starting to rise as Clarke woke up, whatever had been in the tea had certainly done what it was supposed to do. The blonde had feared sleep for a while after the fall of the Mountain, the calmness she felt when she first drifted off to sleep would soon be replaced by terror as the images of that night flashed through her mind. Her actions that night were ones that she would never be able to forget, her choice had ended the lives of hundreds. Some were not innocent, they knew what went on during their ‘treatments’, they knew where the blood came from. But some, like the small children that Clarke had to step over when she was leaving, they were innocent. As innocent as innocent gets. Clarke knew the people of Mount Weather were just doing what everyone else on the planet was doing, trying to survive. That’s all any of them were doing.

It was easier for the blonde to blame Lexa for what she’d had to do, lay the blame firmly at the feet of the Commander rather than accept that it was her doing. While they had been planning the attack it had taken Clarke a lot of time and effort to persuade Lexa that storming the mountain, and killing everyone, was not the only option they had. They agreed to let the innocent live, though Lexa had asked Clarke how many of them were truly innocent. That question had been something which had gone through Clarke’s mind as she contemplated pulling the lever. She knew the answer, of course she did, but to accept the answer would mean accepting that Lexa was right.

Deep down she knew Lexa was right, about everything That’s one thing that had really irritated her the day that Lexa had taken her to the remembrance garden in Polis, the Commander had told her that she would’ve made the same decision that night. Lexa believed that, though Clarke would have battled with the options, she would have still made the same choice that Lexa did. Outwardly, Clarke wasn’t ready to accept that, she wasn’t ready to consider the fact that she was no better than Lexa. Inwardly, she knew it. Inwardly she already knew that, yes, given the chance to save her people at the expense of Lexa’s people, she would take it. Of course she would. But accepting it, letting Lexa know that she was right, would mean that she couldn’t blame the Commander. She couldn’t hate her for doing what she herself would’ve done, and without that hate for Lexa driving her forward, Clarke wasn’t sure what she had left.

As she lay in her tent, listening to the sounds of the forest wake up around her, Clarke kept running over everything that had happened in the last few days. After that night on the mountain she had thought she would never go to Polis, never set foot in the city which the Grounder Commander called home. But to save her people she’d had to travel there. It had taken every ounce of control that Clarke had not to fly at Lexa the moment she saw her, blade in hand. She knew she wouldn’t have gotten very far; Lexa’s people would’ve cut her down before she had taken a step. She needed Lexa to send assistance to the Azgeda, she needed those warriors to march on Camp Jaha. It was part of the deal, the agreement she had with Nia.

It bothered Clarke more than she would ever admit that she had asked the Azgeda Queen for her help, she knew what Nia was capable of. She vaguely remembered the older woman telling her that she hadn’t been the one to end Costia’s life, for some reason she thought it was very important that Clarke knew that. At first it had taken Clarke a few minutes to consider why Nia thought she would care. She had been told that during her first few nights with the Azgeda, when she was fighting against the help they were trying to give her, she had called out for Lexa in her sleep. Not that she would ever tell Lexa that.

Sitting up and putting her legs over the edge of the bed, she rolled up her sleeves. She hadn’t really questioned what the Azgeda healer had told her, she knew her head was messed up, she knew she was still punishing herself for what she had done, the lives she had ended, so it made sense to her that she had hurt herself. She didn’t remember it though, if she was being honest she didn’t remember a lot of things. It was almost like she would lose time. It first started when she left Camp Jaha, at first it was minutes here and there, then it became hours when she was staring at the fire or staring at nothing. It was easier for her not to think, not to feel, so she didn’t question it when she would start walking and not remember how she got somewhere. She was broken, she was damaged and she was starting to think she would never remember what it felt like to be whole. There had been a time, before Mount Weather, that Clarke believed that Lexa could give her that feeling. The sense of belonging, of home.

She rolled her neck as she left the tent, closing her eyes as it let out a small satisfying click. If she was being honest she was expecting everyone to still be asleep when she woke up, it was still really early. Part of her wanted everyone to be asleep. But as she looked towards the small fire, she saw that wasn’t the case.

“What are you doing awake, Clarke?” Lexa asked without even turning to look at her.

“Couldn’t sleep,” the blonde girl replied with a shrug, even though she knew Lexa couldn’t see her, “what about you?”

“I needed time to think,” Lexa replied, furrowing her brow a little as she looked into the flames of the fire, “and this is my favourite time of the day.”

“Why?” Clarke asked, walking over to the fire and sitting down, holding her hands towards the flames before she rubbed them together, “it’s freezing.”

“It isn’t that cold, Clarke.” Lexa said, fighting to keep the small smile off her face.

“Not that cold for a polar bear maybe…” The blonde muttered, moving closer to the fire, “so tell me, why is this your favourite time of the day?”

“It’s that time between night and morning,” Lexa said, looking at the trees around the clearing, “everything is starting to wake up, the sun is starting to rise. This time of day holds the most promise… the promise of a new day. If you try hard enough you can forget the choices that you made yesterday, just for a moment…”

Clarke stole a glance over at the girl who was sitting near her. She had yet to put on her armor, there wasn’t a hint of war-paint in sight. The light from the fire danced across her face, reflecting in her eyes. It was times like this that Clarke could easily forget what Lexa was capable of, what she had done. It was hard for the blonde to remember sometimes that Lexa wasn’t that much older than she was, a couple of years, three at most. Everything that Lexa had done, every war she had fought, every life she had taken, made her seem so much older than she was. Clarke thought that she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she knew that what she felt was nothing compared to the weight Lexa carried.

“What’s going to happen when we get to Tondc?” Clarke asked, shaking her head a little to clear her mind of the thoughts she was having.

“We should arrive after nightfall,” Lexa replied, “I’m expecting either Indra or her messenger to be there to give me an update, as they should arrive before we do. Then we wait.”

“Wait for what?” the blonde said.

“The inevitable,” Lexa said with a small shrug, “the fighting to start, the fighting to end…”

There was something about the way Lexa’s body tensed slightly as she spoke which worried Clarke. It wasn’t something that most people would’ve noticed, but Clarke knew the small signs to look for when it came to Lexa, those tiny little things which told her that something was off.

“You’re still not comfortable with this…” she said.

“In what way should I be comfortable with this Clarke?” Lexa asked, snapping her eyes to the blonde girl, “I have sent 500 of my warriors to fight, and likely die, and I am not there. I should be there.”

“What happens afterwards?” Clarke asked, not meeting Lexa’s eyes, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the fire.

“I have requested that the clan leaders meet in Polis,” the brunette replied, turning her own eyes back to the fire, “most of them should already be on their way. Luna will meet them, if I have not returned by the time they arrive. Before I return to Polis I will require a meeting with the leader or leaders of your people, we will need to talk about the future of your people amongst the coalition.”

“And if they don’t want to join the coalition?” Clarke asked in reply, honestly not sure what reaction Lexa’s suggestion would get from her people.

“I understand that they neither like nor trust me, Clarke,” Lexa said, “that is honestly not my concern right now. If they choose not to join the coalition, I imagine life will get very difficult for them. With the technology they recovered from the mountain they are a target for attack, as Indra said when you requested my help, we have no alliance with you, which means that I have no duty to protect your people. That will change if they choose to join the alliance.”

“An alliance didn’t force you to protect them before,” Clarke said as she looked over at Lexa, “you know, when you left us on the mountain to die.”

“An alliance is different to a coalition, a coalition works together for the betterment of all members,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “An alliance is only strong as long as it remains beneficial to both parties. It does not matter how many times you bring it up, Clarke, I cannot go back and change the past.”

With that Lexa stood up and walked towards her tent.

“You forgot to add the ‘nor would I’ to the end of that sentence, Commander.” Clarke said, her eyes still focused on the fire.

Lexa shook her head a little and walked into her tent, leaving Clarke alone by the fire.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

The ride to Tondc had been uneventful, Lexa hadn’t spoken another word to Clarke the whole way there, she had barely even looked at the blonde. That hadn’t stopped Clarke from looking at Lexa. The Commander had been tense during the whole ride, like she was listening out for something.

As they arrived at the village, Clarke noticed movement in the trees, when she looked up she saw Grounders with bows and arrows. They had been told in expect Lexa’s arrival and from the looks of it they were ready for any and every eventuality.

While Clarke was standing in the doorway of the small hut which Lexa had told her she could stay in with her, Clarke only agreeing after she made sure there were two beds, the blonde watched closely as Lexa talked quietly yet intensely with Ryder and another guy that she vaguely recognized from the last time she had been in Tondc. Indra had been nowhere to be seen when they arrived, Clarke assumed she would be with the warriors. The blonde had no idea if Lexa’s warriors had met with Nia’s, nor did she know what her people were doing at that moment, the not knowing was playing on her mind.

She walked over to Lexa, who immediately stopped whatever conversation she was in the middle of.

“Is there something you need?” Lexa asked as she looked at Clarke.

“A horse.” Clarke replied.

“For what reason?” Lexa asked curiously, “if you are planning to take a late night ride I would advise against it as we do not yet know what is happening in the surrounding area.”

“I need to go and find out what my people are doing,” Clarke said, “I need to find my mother…”

“Will she not be at Camp Jaha?” Lexa asked, folding her arms across her chest.

“No,” Clarke replied, shaking her head a little, “the plan was for them to leave the other group, it had already started, little by little. Those that can’t fight, the ones that are too young, or sick or simply cannot fire a weapon have been moved to the Mountain…”

“Your people are using the Mountain?” The Commander asked, to which Clarke nodded a little, “That is one piece of information that you should have provided before.”

“I didn’t see that it was relevant…” Clarke started to say.

“Not relevant?” Lexa asked, her anger starting to bubble up inside her, “first you do not tell me that the Azgeda were already marching on Camp Jaha and now this? Clarke, I asked you if there was anything else that you weren’t telling me, this is something that would fall into that category.”

“It’s the only way we have of keeping our people who cannot fight, safe,” Clarke replied, “I really didn’t think it would this much of a big deal.”

“Anyone inside that Mountain has access to weapons we cannot defend against,” Lexa said, stepping a little closer to Clarke, “or are you forgetting what happened in this very village when a missile was fired?”

“Bellamy said that Raven has put the missiles out of service, they can’t be used.” Clarke said, “that was actually one of the first things that they did, so you don’t have to worry about that. Now, can I take a horse or do I have to walk.”

“Go.” Lexa said, her jaw clenched.

Clarke shook her head a little and walked away from Lexa and towards the horses. Lexa watched her walk away before she looked to Ryder.

“Follow her,” she said, “I want eyes on her at all times, is that understood?”

“Sha, Heda.” Ryder said with a small nod before he walked over to one of the other warriors Lexa had brought with her.

Lexa looked at the messenger Indra had sent to meet her.

“Go to Indra,” Lexa said, “inform her of the new… development. Tell her that the plan has not changed, but to be ready to withdraw if I give the order.”

He nodded his head once before running off back into the forest.

Lexa watched as Clarke mounted one of the horses and rode from Tondc. She exited the village in the way one normally would if they were going to Camp Jaha, but Lexa had a niggling feeling that Clarke wasn’t heading to the camp. The Azgeda were near, Lexa didn’t know exactly where, she had been told they were closer to Camp Jaha than they were to Tondc, which didn’t exactly calm her thoughts. She put extra people on the village perimeter as she didn’t know what to expect from Nia.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke rode away from Tondc, following the trail for a few moments before pulling off into the trees. The horse she was on had no trouble riding through the forest, which she was thankful for. She followed the line of the trail from the trees, careful to check behind her to find out if she was being followed, though deep down she knew if she was being followed she probably wouldn’t know about it. Once she hit the river she rode along the banks instead of crossing over, as she would do if she was going to Camp Jaha. There was a cave system not far from the camp, that’s where she was headed.

“Wanheda.” She heard someone say from the covering of the trees, “We thought you had forgotten about us.”

“There’s been a change of plans.” Clarke said as she dropped down from the horse, handing the Azgeda warrior the reins, “that better be still alive when I get back.”

Clarke continued the short walk along the river bank before she reached the cave system. She walked up the small embankment and into the first of the caves.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Ryder watched from the cover of the trees as Clarke disappeared into the caves. He looked at the warrior next to him and indicated that he was returning to Tondc, Lexa needed to know about this. He left the warrior to wait for Clarke to conclude whatever business she had and turned his horse back into the forest.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

“Look who decided to show up.” Ontari said from where she was sitting on a large piece of fur on the cave floor, resting up against the side of the structure, “we were worried that you’d had a change of heart.”

“Shut up.” Clarke said to her as she walked past.

Ontari laughed a little as she watched Clarke pass her, before her eyes narrowed slightly. Something had changed, she just wasn’t sure what.

She stood up and followed Clarke through the narrow passage in the rock into another larger cave, she waited in the entrance to the cave as Clarke walked over to talk to Nia.

“You were supposed to travel with the warriors.” Nia said, not looking up from the map she was looking at as Clarke walked over to her.

“I really didn’t want to spend two days with Indra,” Clarke said, “that woman really hates me. She would probably have seen that I had some kind of ‘accident’ along the way.”

“Is she here?” Nia asked, ignoring what Clarke had said about Indra.

“She was talking about the Sky People joining the coalition when all this is over.” Clarke said, her hand coming up to rub the scars on her arm, an action that Nia didn’t miss.

“That was something we had discussed already, is it not?” Nia asked, finally looking up at Clarke, “Is your trust wavering, Clarke?”

“I wouldn’t exactly say that I trusted you to start with,” Clarke replied, which caused Nia to laugh a little, “you were just the lesser of two evils, so to speak.”

“Oh yes,” Nia said, as she stood up, causing Clarke to take a step back, “it was trust me, or trust Lexa, someone who already betrayed you once.”

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just clenched her jaw a little as she waited for the older woman to continue.

“You didn’t answer my question, is she here?” Nia asked.

“No,” Clarke answered, “she stayed in Polis, I rode in with Ryder and the others to Tondc.”

“What good is she to me in Polis?” Nia asked, stepping into Clarke’s personal space.

“She’s the Commander of the 12 clans,” Clarke said, “I can’t exactly force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, it’s not like she listens to me.”

“I nearly forgot,” Nia said, motioning to Roan who was standing near another entrance to the cave, “as we were leaving, we came across someone you might be interested in seeing again.”

Clarke watched as Roan walked into another smaller cave, coming back a few minutes later with Niylah. Her hands were tied and she had been beaten, Clarke’s eyes widened at the sight. She couldn’t top her feet moving over to the girl as Roan threw her to the floor.

“I’m sorry…” Niylah said to Clarke.

“For what?” Clarke asked as she crouched down in front of her.

“That night…” Niylah said with a cough, “when we were trying to escape… I… I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Clarke looked at Nia, standing up slowly as she walked towards the woman.

“Why?” she asked her.

“Niylah failed to do as she had been instructed to do,” Nia said with a smile, “attempting to help you to escape was not what she was there to do. She was there as a… distraction.”

“You knew where I was…” the blonde said, as she glanced back at Niylah.

“Of course I knew where you were.” Nia replied, “I know everything that happens in my territory, Clarke. Now, I’ll ask you again, is Lexa here?”

“No.” Clarke said.

Nia nodded a little to Roan, Clarke didn’t need to turn around to know what was happening as she heard Niylah bite back a scream, even Ontari turned away. Clarke closed her eyes and swallowed the sick feeling that was rising in her stomach.

“Why would the great Commander Lexa, ruler of the coalition of the 12 clans, remain in Polis?” Nia asked as she walked around Clarke in a small circle, “And why would she allow you to leave?”

Clarke didn’t reply, she looked over at Ontari who just lowered her head and looked at the floor.

“Ontari can’t help you answer the question, Clarke,” Nia said as she stood in front of the blonde, “how many did she send to Tondc?”

“Another unit.” Clarke replied honestly.

“Which makes the total number of warriors from Polis, 750?” she asked, to which Clarke nodded, “How many warriors are already in Tondc?”

“I have no idea.” Clarke said.

Nia nodded to Roan again, and again Niylah muffled a scream.

“I’m telling you the truth!” Clarke yelled, turning to look at the other girl who was bleeding from two fresh, deep cuts to her upper arms.

She rushed over to her, pushing Roan out of the way as she went, causing him to laugh. She crouched down in front of Niylah.

“I am so sorry…” she said quietly.

“Do not apologise…” Niylah said, shaking her head a little, “simply do the right thing…”

“I don’t know what the right thing is anymore…” Clarke said, tears burning in her eyes.

“You need to remember, Clarke…” Niylah said with a small smile, “you must remember…”

“Remember what?” Clarke asked her.

“That’s enough of that I think.” Roan said, pulling Clarke up from the floor.

“Get her cleaned up,” Nia said to Roan, “She’s no good to me dead.”

Clarke furrowed her brow a little.

“What did you just say?” Clarke asked.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Lexa was sitting in the small planning room which Indra had set up for her to use when Ryder walked into the room, causing her to jump a little.

“Your suspicions were right, Heda,” he said, “she was not meeting her people, she was meeting the Azgeda.”

“Where are they?” Lexa asked as she stood up.

“In the caves, near the river.” He replied.

“Do you believe that she intends to betray me, Ryder?” Lexa asked, when Ryder hesitated to answer Lexa sighed, “speak true, Ryder.”

“I believe that was her original intention, yes,” he said with a nod, “but now I am not so sure… she has… changed, Heda.”

“Send word to Indra,” Lexa said, clasping her hands behind her back, “inform her of the Azgeda location, and ensure that she strengthens the right flank of the forces against attack from that side.”

“You’re still going through with this?” he asked.

“I agree with you, Ryder,” she replied, “I believe that her original intention was to betray me, I believe that the cost of Nia’s assistance to save her people was my death. That indicates to me that Nia is aware of my feelings for Clarke, which puts her in danger now…”

Ryder nodded and turned to leave the room.

“Ensure she gets back safely.” Lexa said as he was leaving.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke lay in the bed in the small hut she was sharing with Lexa, the Commander was asleep, Clarke herself wasn’t so lucky in finding sleep. She sat up on the bed, using the light from the moon which spilled in through the window, she watched Lexa sleep. She had no idea why she had lied to Nia, it would have been easier to tell her the truth about Lexa being in Tondc. But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t do it. Ever since they had left the temporary camp that morning, Clarke had been getting flashes in her mind of her time on the ground before they attacked Mount Weather. With those flashes came feelings. Feelings that she had long since thought buried.

“Apparently hate is not the strongest emotion we have…” Clarke said quietly to herself.

Clarke jumped off the bed as calls of ‘Heda’ came from outside the hut. She hadn’t got changed to go to sleep, so she was already dressed and rushing to the door as Lexa put her coat on and picked up her sword.

“Stay here.” Lexa said to Clarke.

“Not a chance.” The blonde replied as she reached the door.

“Clarke…” Lexa said, a warning tone in her voice.

“My people are not yet part of your coalition, Lexa,” Clarke said as she turned to look at the girl, “so you can’t order me around.”

Clarke opened the door and walked out followed closely by Lexa, what she found stopped her in her tracks. Ryder was holding Ontari’s arms behind her back as she struggled.

“Do you want to tell this idiot to let me go?” she asked, looking at Clarke.

“I can’t do that…” Clarke replied, looking to Lexa.

“What are you doing here?” Lexa asked as she walked closer to Ontari, Clarke hung back, allowing Lexa the space she needed.

“She killed Niylah,” Ontari said, ignoring Lexa and looking at Clarke, “while you were talking to her she had one of her warriors scouting out this place, she knew you were lying, Clarke.”

Lexa looked back at Clarke, the blonde had her head dropped, Lexa could see the pain on her face.

“Explain.” She said.

“When I left here,” Clarke said, looking back at Lexa as she fought to keep the tears from her eyes, “I didn’t go to my people, I went to talk to Nia… which, from the look on your face you already knew…”

“I suspected,” Lexa replied with a nod, “as I have suspected that I cannot trust you from the moment you arrived in Polis.”

“Good instincts…” Clarke said with a small nod, “she asked me if you were here, I said no, I told her that you had stayed in Polis.”

“Why?” Lexa asked.

“Because…” Clarke replied, swallowing hard, “because I’m not ready to watch you die…”

“Didn’t see that one coming…” Ontari said, causing Lexa to look back at her.

“If you wish to keep your tongue, I suggest you remain quiet.” Lexa said before she looked at Clarke, “Niylah, she’s the girl who tried to help you escape the trading post, yes?”

“Yes,” Clarke replied with a sigh, “though she was apparently there as a distraction, to keep me… occupied, until the Azgeda arrived to take me to Nia. While I was talking to Nia earlier, she had Roan bring her out of one of the caves… she’d been beaten and…”

“Roan is here?” Lexa asked, her face betraying her feelings for the first time in a long time.

“He’s with Nia…” Clarke said, “why?”

Lexa took a deep breath, in an effort to steady her racing heart. She had been searching for Roan for almost 4 years. Nia claimed to have cast him out of the Azgeda, though Lexa suspected she was lying she could never prove it.

“He’s the one who killed Costia.” Ontari said, when it became clear that Lexa wasn’t going to answer.

What Ontari didn’t expect was Lexa to snap around to face her, sword now to her throat.

“What do you know of Costia?” Lexa asked.

Ontari moved her head back further, in an attempt to back away from Lexa’s blade.

“Speak, or die, those are your options.” Lexa said.

“I was there…” Ontari replied, “I’m the one who tended to her wounds at the end of each day…”

Clarke could see that Lexa was about to strike out at Ontari, she moved over to Lexa and placed her hand on the Commander’s sword arm.

“That won’t bring her back, Lexa…” Clarke said softly.

At first, Clarke thought that Lexa either hadn’t heard her, or had chosen to ignore her. But then she saw Lexa’s arm start to waver a little before she lowered it and looked at Ryder.

“Lock her up.” She said.

Ryder nodded and lead Ontari away to one of the secure huts.

“Lexa…” Clarke said, putting her hand on the brunette’s shoulder.

Lexa shrugged off Clarke’s hand and walked back into the hut that they shared and closed the door. The blonde decided to give Lexa some space and went for a walk around Tondc. She could feel people watching her as she walked, she ignored them. She saw Ryder coming out of one of the huts and walked over to him.

“What’s the story with Roan?” she asked, partly expecting him to ignore her.

“Come.” He said, motioning for her to follow him, which she did.

Ryder lead Clarke to the planning room, he knew it would be empty as Lexa was in her hut. He poured himself a drink, offering Clarke one, which she accepted. He then sat down and motioned for Clarke to do the same.

“When the Azgeda joined the coalition, it was not because they agreed with Heda’s ideas or her plans for the future of our people,” he said, “it was simply a matter of survival for them. Many clan leaders were present in Polis when Heda received a box from Nia.”

“Costia…” Clarke said quietly.

“Not all of her,” Ryder replied with a small nod, “to this day we do not know what they did with her body, they simply returned her head. It was meant as a warning. Nia did not like that the Commander was forming the coalition. Her people thrived in the North, sending out raiding parties to the surrounding clans, attacking their towns and villages. Nia controlled the area through fear, the Commander, though many feared her, offered them something more…”

“Safety…” Clarke said, “Lexa offered them safety…”

“The coalition is about more than that, but yes,” he said, “safety was a part of it. As I am sure you’re probably aware, the Commander is not the leader of the coalition due to her… softer side. She can be ruthless, when she needs to be. After Costia’s death she sent her armies North, not to fight the Azgeda, but to protect the clans which had agreed to be part of the coalition. She did not declare war on the Azgeda, she was simply… protecting her interests, protecting her people. Hundreds of Azgeda warriors died in a matter of months…”

“If Nia retaliated by encroaching on coalition territory, Lexa could view that as an act of war and wipe them out…” Clarke said, a small smile playing on her lips, “that’s pretty smart.”

“Indeed,” Ryder said with a small smile of his own and a nod, “The Commanders warriors cut off the raiding parties, which cut off the Azgeda, Nia’s people were suffering, winter was coming and they did not have enough food to last. Heda was starving them, slowly. It was one of the harshest winters the North had seen, Nia sent a representative to Polis requesting a meeting with the Commander. She agreed, for the good of her people. Nia claimed that it had been Roan who ended Costia’s life, she assured Heda that she had cast him out from her clan. Though the Commander always suspected that Nia was lying, she could never prove it.”

“So the Azgeda joined the coalition and Roan got to keep his head.” Clarke said.

“He is one of her most prized assets,” Ryder replied, “she would not want to give him up easily and Heda could not go to war over one man. She always knew if she waited long enough he would surface again. Roan is… deranged, he and Nia appear to take pleasure from watching others suffer. Like your friend…”

“Niylah…” Clarke said quietly, “the only thing she did wrong was try to help me…”

“She went against her Queen,” Ryder said, “that in itself is a crime punishable by death.”

“What’s going to happen to Ontari?” Clarke asked.

“That is up to the Commander,” he said, “She is lucky you were here, or she would be already dead. Though she did not admit to harming Costia, the act of tending to her wounds prolonged her suffering. If she can be of use, for information or Azgeda tactics, Heda may keep her alive, if not…”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

When Clarke made her way back to Lexa’s hut she found that the door was now open slightly, she slowly pushed it the rest of the way open with her foot to find Lexa sitting on her bed.

“Can I come in?” Clarke asked.

“Are you going to be honest with me?” Lexa asked in reply as she looked at Clarke.

The blonde could see the redness in Lexa’s eyes, she had been crying. Clarke thought better than to bring that up though, and she couldn’t really hold it against her.

“As honest as I can be.” She said, causing Lexa to motion with her hand to the bed opposite her.

Clarke walked into the hut and closed the door behind her, she walked to the bed and sat down.

“I really don’t remember that much…” she said, fresh tears stinging her eyes, “I have flashes of memories, some brought back earlier tonight. I was talking to Niylah, I told her I was sorry. If I’d have told Nia you were here, maybe it would’ve been quick, but I couldn’t. I… I tried to hate you…”

Clarke looked up from the floor to find Lexa looking at her, the Commanders eyes betrayed more than she would probably want, but it also let Clarke know that she was in no danger from her. Not that she ever really thought she was. Part of her knew that it would take something Earth shattering for Lexa to hurt her, physically at least.

“It was easier, for me, to blame you,” she said, her eyes now focused back on the floor, “lay it all on you. I felt like I was suffocating, every time I closed my eyes I could see them. Sitting at the tables where they had been eating, lying on the floor from where they tried to run when they realized what was happening… toys, scattered around where the kids had dropped them. The skin just… burning off…”

She jumped a little as the bed dropped down slightly as Lexa sat near her. She hadn’t even heard her move.

“But I did that,” Clarke continued, “I’m the one who did that. Not you. I killed every person in that place, me…”

She angrily wiped the tears which were now falling from her eyes.

“The really sick part is, I would do it again,” she said, glancing up at Lexa, who was looking at her with sympathetic understanding eyes, “though I tried to hate you and I really wanted to… I couldn’t, because… because I understand. I know…”

“I never intended to hurt you, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly.

“I know,” the blonde said with a small nod, “I know. But you did. You walked away and left me. When I left Camp Jaha I had no idea where I was going to go, part of me wanted to find you, to tell you what I’d done… but I couldn’t, so I went the one direction I knew you wouldn’t go, I went North. I didn’t want to find the Azgeda, I certainly didn’t want to find Nia. I just wanted to disappear. Be someone else. Not be the person who killed an entire group of people…”

“So what you told me about the small outpost and the woman who helped you…” Lexa said.

“All true,” Clarke said with a nod, “everything I told you up until the Azgeda finding me is true. And I really don’t remember everything. Bits have been coming back over time. I asked Ontari about it, she told me I was pretty out of it, so I figured I couldn’t believe what my head was telling me was true. I remember bleeding, a lot… I remember my arms felt like they were burning… the more I fought it the worse it got. I remember the healer coming in, I begged him to make the pain stop…”

“It’s okay…” Lexa said, placing her hand softly on Clarke’s arm, “you don’t have to tell me everything right now.”

“The biggest part clicked back in place earlier,” Clarke replied, looking over at Lexa, “when I was talking to Niylah… she told me to do the right thing, and I told her that I didn’t know what the right thing was anymore… Nia told Roan to get her cleaned up, because she wasn’t any use to her dead. I had heard those exact words from her mouth before… only then, when I heard them, it was about me.”

Lexa brought her right hand up and placed it in front of her mouth, her fist tightening as she thought about what had happened to Clarke. What Nia had done to her.

“What happens now?” Clarke asked.

“It is too late to call off the attack against Camp Jaha,” Lexa said, her eyes narrowed a little, “we go ahead with that as planned. If I am correct in my assumption that Nia will contest your people joining the coalition, then she may make a mistake. I cannot simply declare was against her for this… I…”

“If she contests it, what will happen?” the blonde asked in reply.

“She may be foolish to also contest my leadership of the coalition as well.” the Commander said with a small smile.

“Why are you smiling about that?” Clarke said, “She does that, you’ll have to fight.”

“She does not have a warrior in her ranks who can beat me,” Lexa said confidently, “and she is aware of that.”

“She’ll make you fight Roan…” Clarke said.

“It is possible.” Lexa said with a nod, “the anger I have against him may work in her favour. He is very skilled and I would need a clear head to defeat him, I would have to put aside everything that he has done, which would be a challenge… it would certainly be one of the most difficult fights that I have ever had.”

“I’m guessing the winner isn’t decided in a points system.” Clarke said with a small smile as she looked at Lexa.

“The winner is the one left standing at the end of the fight.” Lexa replied.

“That’s what I figured…” Clarke said with a nod.

“Do not worry, Clarke,” Lexa said with a small smile of her own, “I am faster than he is, smarter than he is. If he is the one she chooses, I will defeat him.”

“Good,” Clarke replied, placing her hand over Lexa’s which was still on her arm, “because I meant it when I said I’m not ready to watch you die…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter part than most, I'm battling through some really bad writers block right now. Let me know what you all think of this part. I might also start taking clexa prompts on tumblr, if you have one you can find me @ unaligned-valkyrie

 

Sleep didn’t find Lexa again that night, as the sounds of Tondc waking filtered through the closed door of the hut she went out to the small training area. She could not get what was going to happen that day out of her mind. Something else that had been playing on her mind was what was going to happen afterwards. After the fall of the Mountain there had been murmurings of discontent amongst her people, some questioning the decision she had made that night, others questioning her ability to lead her people. Lexa knew that whatever she had done that night on the Mountain would have consequences, she also knew that with the Mountain Men gone there was nothing that kept the coalition together. Their mutual enemy was gone. Ordering the clan leaders to Polis was almost asking for trouble, her position as leader of the coalition had been pretty solid up until this point, but she knew all that could change.

When she had turned her back on Clarke and walked away that night she had shown that she could not be trusted, that her word meant nothing. Some of the other clan leaders would understand her decision, most of them would have done the same thing, but that in itself lead to a weakening of her position. Her place as Heda was not in question, that was something that she was born to be, not chosen by her people but chosen by the spirit of Heda. Nobody could change that, no matter how much they disagreed with what she had done. She could, of course, still be challenged on it, but that would mean her people would have to go against their very beliefs and Lexa was sure that nobody doubted her that much.

As the village awoke fully to the new day Lexa continued to train, she knew that when it was time for her warriors to attack Camp Jaha a messenger would be sent, until then she was determined to push her body to its limits. She ran over everything that Anya had taught her, every punishing lesson. She needed to stop herself thinking, she couldn’t let doubts into her mind. One thing that she couldn’t get out of her mind was what she and Clarke had talked about the previous night. The blonde finally starting to remember what had happened to her at the hands of the Azgeda. Lexa herself knew that if you tortured someone to the point of their mind breaking, it was easy to imprint your views on them, to get them to do what you wanted. She had done it herself in the past. To know just how far Clarke had been pushed, Lexa needed to know who had tortured her. She knew that many of Nia’s people were capable of it.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke stood and watched as Lexa trained, it was something that she had always been fascinated by in a way. She had seen Lexa bring down men more than twice her size without even thinking about it, and she had questioned many times how that much power could come from someone as small as Lexa was. Sure she knew that the Commander was physically in peak condition, but there had to be more to it than that. Her eyes narrowed as she watched Lexa suddenly stop what she was doing, the Commander slowly turning her head and looking towards the hut that Clarke had seen Roan coming out of the night before, the hut where they were keeping Ontari. She watched as Lexa tightened the grip on her sword before she walked from the training area towards the hut.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

As she walked into the hut she saw Ontari sitting on the floor, her back against the far wall, the girl opening her eyes as soon as Lexa closed the door.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Commander?” Ontari asked as she looked at Lexa.

“I’m going to ask you some questions,” Lexa replied, picking up the chair and moving it so it was in front of the girl, “and you’re going to answer them.”

“Seems simple enough.” Ontari said as Lexa sat down.

“One would think,” Lexa replied clenching her jaw a little, “what was your involvement with Clarke during the first few weeks that she was with the Azgeda?”

“I thought you would be more interested in what I could tell you about Costia’s final days.” Ontari said, knowing as soon as she had said it that it was possibly the wrong thing to say.

Lexa gripped her sword a little tighter, her eyes fixed onto Ontari in a way that a hunter eyes their prey. Only the door opening stopped the Commander from standing up.

“Ryder told me that she has yet to eat,” Clarke said as she walked into the hut, “I thought I would bring her breakfast.”

“She eats when I say she can eat,” Lexa replied, without turning to look at Clarke, “leave it there.”

“Lexa…” Clarke started to say.

“I said leave it there.” Lexa said as she stood up, turning to face Clarke, “when she needs a healer I will have Ryder come for you.”

“Is she likely to need a healer?” Clarke asked.

“That depends on how long she wishes to remain alive.” Lexa replied, “if she answers my questions I do not see that we will have a problem.”

“Is this really necessary?” the blonde asked, stepping closer to Lexa.

“I have questions to which I need answers,” Lexa said, her jaw clenched tightly as she talked to Clarke, “answers which you are either unable or unwilling to give me.”

“And this is the best way to go about getting those answers?” Clarke asked.

“In my experience, yes,” Lexa replied, “or perhaps there is another way, maybe I should invite her into my bed, would that be more acceptable to you?”

Clarke shook her head and sighed as she turned and walked from the hut.

Lexa watched Clarke leave before she turned back and looked at Ontari. 

“There are two ways in which this can happen,” Lexa said calmly, “you can answer the questions I ask, or I can make you answer them, the choice is yours.”

“When Clarke was first brought to the capitol she was unconscious,” Ontari said, “it was obvious that she wasn’t there by choice. Nia ordered that she be kept in one of the rooms under the palace where she lives. They are basically cells. She was kept there for almost a week, no human contact other than Roan and the healer.”

“What happened after the first week?” Lexa asked, slightly relieved that the girl seemed to want to take the easier option.

“She was moved to another of the rooms, higher up in the palace,” Ontari replied, “somewhere that she would be a little more comfortable. That was the first time that I actually saw her, I was told to take her something to eat. She didn’t even look at me; it was like she looked right through me as if I wasn’t even there. By that point it was pretty clear what was happening to her, the wounds on her arms were visible and fresh. I remember walking past the room that night to hear her crying and screaming. Other than Clarke the room was empty…”

“She was having a nightmare.” Lexa said.

“Yeah,” Ontari said with a nod, “a bad one. Just before I woke her up do you know who she was calling out for, who she wanted to help her… you.”

Lexa didn’t say anything; she couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Nia wanted to know everything she said,” Ontari continued, “whatever came out of her mouth while someone was in the room, she wanted to know about it. Now, obviously I knew that she’d take great interest in Clarke crying out for you during her nightmare, but I didn’t tell her.”

“Why not?” Lexa asked.

“I’d listened to someone else screaming out for you while they were being tortured,” Ontari answered, “I knew how much worse it would be for Clarke, so I kept it to myself.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke paced outside the hut, she knew that Lexa needed answers, and she also knew that she had no say over anything that happened in Tondc. She couldn’t really say anything about Lexa torturing someone for information, she had witnessed it herself back when the 100 had first landed, she had stood by as Lincoln was tortured. She was expecting to hear something from the hut, raised voices, cries of pain, but she heard nothing. It was the silence that worried Clarke.

“Do you need help with something?” Ryder asked as he walked over to her.

“Lexa is in there,” Clarke replied, motioning to the hut, “she basically told me to leave, said she’d send for me if Ontari needed a healer.”

“If she answers Heda’s questions then she will not need a healer.” Ryder said, “you know how this works, Clarke.”

“Yeah,” Clarke said with a nod, “I do. I know that one way or another she’ll tell Lexa what she wants to know, then Lexa will kill her. She didn’t have to come here last night, she didn’t have to tell me that Nia had killed Niylah, but she did.”

“That was her choice, not yours.” Ryder replied.

“Yeah,” the blonde said with a small sigh and shake of her head, “it’s also a reminder why I shouldn’t let people in… People I let get close to me either die or screw me up.”

“Screw you up?” Ryder asked, his brow furrowed a little in confusion.

“It means mess with my head,” Clarke replied with a glance back at the door, “use me for their own benefit, get what they need and then walk away…”

“Heda had no choice.” Ryder said quietly, “you know that.”

Clarke nodded a little.

“Doesn’t stop it hurting though.” She said before she walked away.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

“I don’t know who told Nia about Clarke crying out for you,” Ontari said, “It definitely wasn’t me, but someone did. Nia figured out that Clarke had started talking to me, not about anything important, but just talking. I was going in there to take her food and help the healer, and when she was asking how she hurt herself, I was the one lying to her. Telling her that it didn’t matter how she did it, we were there to help her… I was kept away from her for a week, and in that time Nia found out about the nightmares.”

Lexa found herself feeling a small amount of sympathy for the girl sitting in front of her, she also felt the anger that had been burning away at her since she had walked in the hut start to build again. Ontari had done what everyone else does when they meet Clarke, she’d liked her, even though she knew she shouldn’t.

“In that one week, she went from not talking about you at all, blocking it all out,” Ontari continued, shaking her head a little, “to talking about how she hated you. How you left her die. All of it…”

“Why the change?” Lexa asked, attempting to keep the emotion off her face.

“You became the focus of what was happening to her,” the other girl replied, “you were the tool used, Commander. By the end of it her mind was so broken it was easy for Nia to get her to agree to what she wanted to do. We all know that Clarke will do anything to protect her people, her friends, family… In the end it was easy. The safety of her people, at any cost. A lesson you taught her, I believe.”

“And what was the cost?” Lexa asked, already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it anyway.

“You.” Ontari said, “Clarke was supposed to go to Polis, get you to agree to send help for her people and the Azgeda. That bit was easy, easier than I expected it to be, I honestly did not expect you to agree that easily. Which got me to thinking that maybe Clarke isn’t the only one who developed strong feelings.”

“I send assistance and then what?” Lexa said, her jaw clenched, not wanting to discuss her feelings for Clarke.

“You were supposed to lead your warriors,” the other girl replied, “Nia and her warriors would fight alongside yours to help Clarke’s people, then you were going to die. Nia would go to Polis, where the clan leaders are meeting, tell them of your death. She would then take over control of the coalition, using Clarke and the fear that people have for her. But that’s obviously not going to happen now, as you’re here and your warriors are elsewhere. There was another plan though, for if that one didn’t work out. She’s going to challenge your leadership of the coalition in Polis. She already has the other clan leader she needs on side. You are going to have to fight for your place, and your life, if you want the Skaikru joining the coalition.”

“That’s to be expected,” Lexa said with a sigh, “Who will she have me fight?”

“I don’t know,” Ontari answered, “probably her son, though she did bring some of her best hand-to-hand fighters with her, so she has a few options.”

Lexa nodded and stood up.

“What happens to me now?” the other girl asked.

“Now, you eat.” Lexa replied walking over to the plate that Clarke had left earlier.

“No one should be sent to death on an empty stomach, right.” Ontari said, taking the plate from Lexa.

“I may yet not kill you.” Lexa replied honestly, “you may have your uses.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke saw Lexa leave the hut, as the Commander’s eyes met hers both felt a vibration in the ground. Everyone started to look around, trying to figure out where the noise came from.

“Ready the horses.” Lexa said as she looked at Ryder, before she walked back to the hut she had been sharing with Clarke.

The blonde followed Lexa to the hut and watched as she saw the Commander putting on her armor.

“Lexa…” Clarke said.

“We need to leave,” Lexa replied, glancing over at Clarke, “I am assuming that explosion came from your camp, yet Indra’s messenger did not get here.”

“And that’s bad?” Clarke asked, “maybe he just didn’t get here yet.”

“If that explosion marked the start of the battle, Clarke, it may already be over.” Lexa said as she picked up her sword and walked towards the door.

“Lexa,” Clarke said, putting her hand on the Commander’s arm, “I need to tell you something.”

“No you don’t.” Lexa replied with a small smile, “I already know.”

“If you already knew what I wanted to tell you, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get to Camp Jaha…” Clarke said.

“It is my destiny to die in battle, Clarke,” Lexa said, stepping a little closer to the blonde, “if that is today, tomorrow or the next day, that is how my life will end. That is not your fault, you are not to blame for what happens here. But I will not stay here while my warriors die just because I may be riding to my death.”

“Just be careful…” Clarke replied quietly.

Lexa nodded a little before walking from the hut and over to the horses.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter than most. I missed out the battle itself as that isn't the main focus of this fic, hope that doesn't bother people too much. Drop me a comment or something and let me know what you think :)

 

As they rode the horses up the small incline towards the Sky People’s camp Lexa felt a sense of dread building in her stomach, the wind was carrying smells from the camp in the direction which they were coming from, it didn’t take her long to realize just what it was she was smelling. Once they reached the top of the hill she pulled her horse to a stop, all she could see littering the ground were bodies. They were too late. She couldn’t tell who the dead were, usually what they were wearing would tell her, but since the fall of the Mountain the lines had blurred. Lexa couldn’t tell if they were her people, Skaikru or Azgeda.

She looked at one of the warriors who was standing near her horse.

“Search for the living…” she said.

“Sha, Heda.” He replied, taking a few of the others with him as he walked towards the field of bodies.

“Spread out and stay alert,” Lexa said looking to the rest of the warriors she had with her, “it may not be over yet.”

Lexa looked over at Clarke, the blonde was looking at the bodies, the Commander could see from her face that she looked as though she may be about to be sick.

“We must walk from here,” Lexa said to her, as she climbed down from her horse, “the horses will disturb the bodies.”

Clarke nodded and climbed down from her horse, Lexa took the reins and handed them to one of her warriors who had hung back. Wordlessly the Commander started to make her way forward, looking at the first body she passed she could see the warrior was Azgeda.

“How did it come to this…” Lexa said quietly with a sigh, not sure if she was talking to Clarke or herself.

“Heda…” someone lying on the ground said, the word almost lost in the sound of blood bubbling within the man’s throat.

Lexa crouched down next to the man, she looked over his injuries and knew right away that he couldn’t be saved. She also knew that he had a family in Polis. Clenching her jaw, she took her blade from its place at her waist.

“Yu gonplei ste odon.” Lexa said before ending the man’s life.

“Lexa…” Clarke said, walking up behind the Commander, placing her hand on the brunette’s shoulder.

“Don’t.” Lexa said coldly, shrugging off Clarke’s hand before she stood up.

“What do you want me to say?” Clarke said as Lexa started to walk away, “That I’m sorry?”

“Look at these warriors, Clarke,” Lexa replied, turning back to look at the blonde, “their injuries are not just from weapons, they are from chemicals. My people do not use chemical weapons, only the Mountain did.”

Clarke didn’t say anything as she looked around her. Lexa walked back closer to her.

“Your people did this,” Lexa said, “those you claimed were seeking safety within the Mountain.”

“I’m sure there’s some kind of explanation…” Clarke replied.

“There always is.” Lexa said, turning away from Clarke and continuing her way through the field towards the Skaikru camp.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

The closer they got to the camp, the more living they found, which in Lexa’s mind told her that it had been a coordinated attack. Clarke saw a familiar face within the mass of injured warriors.

“Octavia…” the blonde said, rushing over to her.

“Oh now you decide to show up.” Octavia said as she saw Clarke.

“What happened?” Clarke asked, crouching down next to the younger girl who was trying to stop the warrior in front of her bleeding to death.

“Pike and his army of ‘Grounder killers’ went into the Mountain,” Octavia said, looking from Clarke to Lexa who was now standing near the blonde, “they realized that they could end this quickly…”

“Do they realize what they’ve done?” Lexa asked.

“I don’t think they care too much,” Octavia replied, “Indra took your warriors after them, a small group returned not long ago, everyone else is dead…”

“Where’s Indra?” Lexa asked.

“Medical…” Octavia said.

“And Nia?” Clarke asked, ignoring the look she was getting from Lexa.

“No idea.” Octavia replied, realizing that her efforts with the warrior in front of her were pointless, “Yu gonplei ste odon…”

Lexa watched as the young girl sat back almost defeated.

“I need to get to Indra.” Lexa said, looking at Clarke.

The blonde nodded and motioned for Lexa to follow her. They made their way towards the main gates of the Skaikru camp. Lexa noticed the differences from the last time she had been there, though she had never been in through the gates she saw the fences had been strengthened, the gates themselves were at least twice the size that they had been previously.

“They made a few improvements.” Clarke said as she noticed Lexa looking around a little.

“They also changed the name.” Lexa replied, looking up at the sign above the gates.

“No point naming a camp in memory of a dead guy who isn’t dead.” Clarke said with a shrug, as she slowed to a stop at the gates.

Memories started flashing through her head, visions of the Mountain, she closed her eyes and shook her head a little trying to clear it. She knew Lexa was looking at her, but at that moment she appreciated the Commander not commenting.

“Clarke…” Bellamy said from where he was standing just inside the gates, he walked over to the blonde and pulled her into a hug, “welcome home…”

“This isn’t home…” Clarke replied as she backed out of the hug, “Lexa needs to find Indra.”

Bellamy looked at Lexa, the look on his face letting the brunette know that he wasn’t happy that she was there.

“You’re not welcome here.” He said coldly.

“My warriors died protecting your people,” Lexa replied, “you will take me to Indra.”

“And if I don’t?” Bellamy asked.

Octavia walked up behind Lexa and Clarke, moving past them to stand in front of Bellamy.

“This is your fault,” she said, looking up at her brother, “if you hadn’t told Pike what was in the Mountain this wouldn’t have happened.”

“I didn’t think he would do this.” Bellamy replied.

“That’s your problem,” Octavia said to him, “you never think… I’ll take you to Indra, Heda.”

Octavia pushed past Bellamy, Lexa and Clarke followed behind her. Lexa kept her eyes on the back of the girl in front of her, ignoring the looks that she knew she was getting from other people within the camp. When they reached the medical area they could all see that the patients were a mix of Grounders and Skaikru.

“This is why we do not use chemical weapons,” Lexa said quietly to Clarke, “they do not differentiate between friend and foe…”

Clarke stood and watched as Lexa walked over to the bed where Indra was being treated by Jackson. Looking around the room she knew she had to get out of there.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke found Bellamy sitting in one of the rooms in the Ark building.

“How did this happen?” She asked walking into the room, “Octavia said you told Pike what was in the Mountain…”

“I didn’t expect him to do this,” Bellamy replied, “I didn’t expect any of this…”

“You knew how he felt about the Grounders,” Clarke said, sitting down opposite him, “you knew he wanted them all dead. Is war really what you wanted?”

“I wanted to keep our people safe.” Bellamy said.

“War is not going to keep our people safe,” Clarke said with a sigh, “siding with Pike was never going to keep our people safe.”

“And siding with the Azgeda was?” Bellamy asked.

“It’s complicated…” Clarke replied.

“Where did the Commander come into your plan, Clarke?” Bellamy asked, “she left us to die.”

“She did what she had to do,” Clarke said, “something that I would have done, given the choice. We all did things that night which… we would all do again.”

“We did what we had to do to save our people.” Bellamy replied.

“So did she.” Clarke said with a sigh, “so did she…”

Octavia walked into the room, ignoring her brother she looked at Clarke.

“Nia is marching what’s left of her army to Polis.” she said.

“Lexa has called a meeting of the clan leaders,” Clarke said, “which Nia is due to attend, as are we…”

“We’re not her people.” Bellamy said, “she can’t demand that we go to a clan meeting.”

“She isn’t demanding anything,” Clarke replied, “she wants the Skaikru to join the coalition…”

“That’s never going to happen.” Bellamy said, shaking his head.

“Do you really think any of you would still be alive if Lexa hadn’t demanded it?” Clarke asked, looking at him, “Do you think that Indra decided on her own that the Trikru and the Skaikru wouldn’t fight?”

“That agreement was made between Kane and Indra.” Bellamy replied.

“Indra isn’t the leader of the Trikru,” the blonde said, “Lexa is. Indra just carries out Lexa’s orders when she’s in Polis.”

“What’s it like?” Octavia asked looking at Clarke, “Polis?”

“You’d love it,” Clarke said with a soft smile, “you should come back with us.”

“You’re going back?” Bellamy asked in disbelief.

“This isn’t my home anymore Bell…” Clarke said.

“And Polis is?” he asked in reply.

“I don’t know,” Clarke said, shaking her head, “when all this is over I’ll figure that out.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

“I fail to understand what we would gain from joining your coalition.” Bellamy said to Lexa as they sat in the meeting room.

“I understand your reservations,” Lexa replied, her Commander mask firmly in place, “but if the Skaikru were to join the coalition it would be safer for your people. It would save you from any further threats of attack from the other clans, it will open up trade routes and many other benefits.”

“We know that you’re facing your own problems within the coalition,” Abby said from where she was sitting, “you are offering us a place in something that at the moment isn’t stable. Queen Nia…”

“Would say anything that she could to get your people on her side.” Lexa said, interrupting her.

“Clarke obviously trusted her, to ask her for help.” Abby replied.

“I believe that your daughter did not have as much say in that matter as you believe she did,” Lexa said calmly, “events took place that you are unaware of. The deal that she made with Clarke no longer stands, that much I can tell you.”

“And how do you know that?” Bellamy asked.

“Because I am still alive.” Lexa replied.

“What do you mean, you’re still alive so that deal no longer stands?” Kane asked, obviously not knowing anything about what had taken place between Clarke and Nia.

Lexa looked at Clarke who was sitting to her right hand side, the blonde nodded a little letting Lexa know that she could tell them.

“Every agreement comes at a price,” Lexa said, looking around the table, “one party has something that the other wants. In exchange for her assistance to help your people, Nia wanted Clarke to get me to this battle. My death was the price of her assistance. She believed that I would be with my warriors, which I suspected. I do not know how she had intended to do it, but her plan was that I would die. Perhaps she would then try and blame the Skaikru for my death and use that to take over the coalition.”

“She could unite the coalition against a new enemy.” Kane said.

“Yes,” Lexa replied with a nod, “many clans view your people as a threat, what happened here today is not going to lessen that fear.”

“But joining the coalition will?” Abby asked.

“If we become the 13th clan, then that will mean that we are not a threat because if we attack any of the other clans within the coalition then we risk an all-out war against Lexa’s people.” Clarke said, her eyes fixed on the table in front of her, “We’d face all 12 clans in a war and we would lose.”

“And what if it came down to another choice,” Bellamy said, his eyes fixed on Lexa, “what if you were in the same position again as you were on the Mountain, then what?”

“There would be no choice,” Lexa replied honestly, “it wouldn’t be a choice between your people and my people, because you would be my people.”

“Talking about this is really getting us nowhere,” Abby said, “let’s take a vote.”

“I vote no.” Bellamy said, looking between Lexa and Clarke, “I’m sorry Clarke, but I don’t trust her.”

“I vote yes.” Kane said, nodding slightly in Lexa’s direction.

The decision came down to Abby, this wasn’t how Clarke had expected it to be, she had hoped that Bellamy would see sense and vote yes. The blonde looked at her mother, who was looking down at the table, obviously going over and over in her head just what this was going to mean.

“You have the casting vote, Abby.” Kane said as he looked at her.

“I vote yes.” Abby said, looking at Clarke, who smiled a little, “too many times in the past I haven’t listened to what my daughter thought was best, this time I will.”

“Thank you.” Clarke said to her mom.

“I must return to Polis,” Lexa said, “and I will require a few of your people to come with me. The Skaikru will need an Ambassador in Polis, someone to attend council meetings and hold meetings with me on your behalf. That decision is yours, Chancellor.”

“I think Clarke is best suited to be our Ambassador in Polis, do you agree?” Abby said, looking to Marcus.

“I do.” Kane said with a nod.

“Nia already has half a day on us,” Lexa said looking to Clarke, “we must leave before nightfall if we stand any hope of being there before her.”

“I can get you there quickly.” Raven said from where she was standing in the doorway.

“Raven…” Clarke said with a smile as she looked at the girl.

“Wanheda.” Raven replied.

“Not you too…” Clarke said, rolling her eyes a little.

“It’s a bit more badass than Princess, huh?” Raven asked with a smile.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

“What is this?” Lexa asked, looking at the Rover.

“It’s a Rover,” Raven replied, “a car… motorized vehicle…”

“Raven,” Clarke said, looking at the Rover before looking at Raven, “where did you learn to drive?”

“Trial and error,” Raven replied with a laugh, “figured I was doing it right when I stopped crashing into trees.”

“It’s safe.” Octavia said, walking up behind them, “well as safe as anything can be where Raven is involved.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pocahontas.” Raven said.

Lexa looked back at Octavia and saw Lincoln standing next to her. She hadn’t seen him since the night he escaped from her people, there was still a kill order on him.

“He will not be welcome in Polis.” Lexa said calmly, her hand gripping her sword was the only thing breaking the cool exterior.

“He isn’t coming,” Octavia replied, “he is only here to see me off.”

Lexa nodded once before turning back to face Clarke.

“Are there any others you wish to bring along with you?” Lexa asked the blonde.

Clarke saw Bellamy standing not too far from them, as their eyes met Clarke looked back to Lexa.

“No.” Clarke said, shaking her head a little.

“Then we must leave.” Lexa said, motioning to where Ryder was standing with a few of the other warriors, he walked over to her, “you will come with us, the rest of the warriors will remain here to ensure that no more fighting breaks out before the Skaikru join the coalition.”

“If anything happens they can reach us on the radio.” Raven said, looking to Lincoln, “get Monty to radio in if anything happens.”

Lincoln nodded in agreement and watched as everyone climbed into the Rover. The gates of Arkadia opened and allowed them to leave.

“Anyone got a map?” Raven asked, glancing back at Lexa and Clarke who were sitting in the back of the Rover.

“Head south,” Lexa replied, “Follow the river south until you reach the lake, then you need to head West.”

“Okay,” Raven said with a nod, “Polis here we come.”


	8. AUTHOR NOTE

I’m not really a fan of author notes, but I feel that this one needs to be written. I’m curious about whether anyone would want to see this story continued. When I started writing it I had a fixed idea in my head, hence the ‘major character death’ warning. I started writing it before season 3 started, in the hopes that writing it would mean that I wouldn’t fall apart if/when Lexa died in the show. Obviously we all know what happened with the show, and that’s part of the reason this story stopped.

If you want to see it continued, drop me a comment on this note, if not then it’ll just be left as it is.

Thanks for your time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The continuation of the journey to Polis in the Rover, Octavia steps over the line where Lexa is concerned, and Clarke has yet another nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to continue this, as the majority of people who commented on the note said they'd like me to. I am removing the 'Major Character Death' warning, as I don't think I can actually write Lexa dying (which is why this fic stalled for so long as that had been my original intention) but that isn't going to stop this being an angst filled story. Hopefully that doesn't stop people reading this story. Drop me a comment and Let me know what you think of this new part.

 

Octavia could tell that Lexa wasn’t comfortable travelling in the Rover, the Commanders hands gripped the edge of the seat to the point where her knuckles were turning white, she could understand why as well. Raven’s driving wasn’t the greatest, but she knew that wasn’t why Lexa was having issues, she’d probably never been in any kind of vehicle before.

“So what happens now, Commander?” Octavia asked.

“That is going to depend on what is waiting for us in Polis.” Lexa replied.

“We’ll get there before Nia, right?” Octavia said, noticing the way that Clarke tensed up a little in her seat.

“We should.” Lexa said with a nod, “she has half a day on us, but she is travelling by horse, if Raven can get us to the outskirts of the city without crashing into a tree…”

“Hey,” Raven said from the driver’s seat, as she heard Clarke laugh a little, “I’m a better driver than you are.”

“That would not be difficult, Raven,” Lexa replied, “as this is the first time I have been in a motorized vehicle.”

“You can always take a shot at driving in you want, Commander.” Raven said.

“I do not believe that would be wise.” Lexa said with a small shake of her head.

“It could be funny though.” Clarke said, a small smile tugging at her lips as Lexa looked at her, “oh, come on, the great Commander Lexa, there has to be something that you’re no good at.”

“I’m sure, with practice, I could become quite proficient.” Lexa said as she looked at the blonde, “do you believe differently?”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the short time I have known you, it’s that I shouldn’t underestimate what you’re capable of when you put your mind to something,” Clarke replied, “though watching you practice driving would probably be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.”

Lexa glanced at Ryder who was sitting towards the back of the Rover on the opposite side to where she was sitting with Clarke, he didn’t look very entertained.

“Someone isn’t amused.” Clarke said quietly as she looked at Lexa.

“Is something bothering you, Ryder?” Lexa said as she looked from Clarke to Ryder.

“I find myself regretting eating breakfast, Heda.” He replied.

“You might feel better if you sit up front with Raven.” Octavia said.

“I am not…” He started to say.

“The first time Monty sat in the back of here, he was sick,” Octavia said interrupting him, “most people feel sick their first time. Abby said it’s something to do with the movement and the fact that you’re not facing forwards.”

“That makes sense.” Clarke said with a nod, “Raven, can you stop so Ryder can sit up front with you?”

“Feeling a little green, Grounder man?” Raven asked with a smirk as she pulled the Rover to a stop.

As Ryder got out of the backdoor of the Rover, Lexa furrowed her brow a little, confused at Raven’s choice of words.

“What’s the matter?” Clarke asked, looking at Lexa.

“I do not understand,” Lexa replied, “how could Ryder be feeling green, green is a colour, not a feeling.”

“Feeling green means feeling sick,” Clarke explained, “when someone is feeling sick they lose the colour in their face, sometimes people can start to look slightly green.”

Lexa thought about what Clarke had said and then nodded slightly.

As Raven started the Rover again, Clarke got to thinking about a few things, the warriors that Lexa had left at Arkadia, and the people still in Tondc.

“What’s going to happen to Ontari?” Clarke asked.

“Who’s Ontari?” Octavia asked in reply, looking between Clarke and Lexa.

“She’s…” Clarke started to say, feeling Lexa look at her, “Azgeda, she came to Tondc to tell us that Nia knew I was lying about Lexa being in Tondc…”

“Why would you lie about that?” Octavia asked.

“Because she didn’t need to know.” Clarke replied.

“What happened to you when you were with the Ice Nation, Clarke?” the younger girl asked.

“I’d rather not talk about it.” Clarke said, shaking her head as she looked down at her hands.

“You told us that we could trust Nia to help us,” Octavia said, “you told us…”

“I know,” Clarke said, snapping her head up and looking at Octavia, “I know, okay. I made a mistake.”

“Indra is…” Octavia started to say.

“Enough,” Lexa said, looking between them, “this is not helping anyone.”

“Of course you’d take her side.” Octavia muttered, shaking her head a little.

“I am not taking anybody’s side,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “I understand that you’re upset, Octavia, I understand that you’re concerned about Indra, but fighting with Clarke is not going to change anything.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and sighed a little before she nodded her head.

“Nia’s main intention was not to help your people,” Lexa said, “Nia is not the type of person who would ever do anything unless she benefited from it. She offered to help your people, knowing that it would give her an opportunity to take a step closer to her overall goal.”

“Which is what?” Octavia asked.

“My death.” Lexa replied with a small smile, “she wanted me on that battlefield, she wanted me leading my warriors. I believe it was her intention for me to die today, then she would use my death to take over the coalition and possibly blame Skaikru for my death.”

“Well doesn’t she sound like a real peach…” Raven said, having listened to the conversation while she was driving.

“Why would you go along with that?” Octavia asked as she looked at Clarke, “I mean, I know that there’s no love lost between you two but why would you do something that you knew would lead to Lexa’s… sorry, the Commander’s death?”

“I had no choice.” Clarke replied.

“You always have a choice, Clarke.” Octavia said.

Clarke didn’t say anything, she just moved forward on the seat and started to undo her jacket, taking it off she held her arms out to Octavia.

“Does that look like I had a choice to you?” she said.

Octavia didn’t reply, she clenched her jaw as she looked from the marks on Clarke’s arms to Lexa, who was also clenching her jaw and attempting to keep herself calm.

“Do you want to see the marks on my back to?” the blonde said.

“Clarke…” Octavia said.

“Raven, stop the Rover.” Clarke said as she put her jacket back on.

“We need to…” Lexa started to say.

“Stop the Rover.” Clarke repeated.

Raven glanced back at Lexa, who nodded a little, before she stopped the Rover. Clarke climbed out of the back of the Rover, leaving the door open as she walked away to the tree line before putting her hands on her knees and throwing up what she had managed to eat that day.

“They tortured her…” Octavia said quietly.

“Yes.” Lexa replied with a nod, “from what Ontari told me, it went on for weeks, day and night.”

“Shit.” Octavia said before moving to stand up.

“I’ll go.” Lexa said, “her anger should not be aimed at you.”

“It shouldn’t be aimed at you either.” The younger girl replied.

“It should,” Lexa said, “was it not my fault that she left your people to start with.”

Octavia sat back down as Lexa got out of the back of the Rover and walked over to where Clarke was.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Clarke’s body was still trying to make her throw up, though she had nothing left in her stomach. She jumped slightly as she felt a hand softly rubbing her back.

“Breathe, Clarke.” Lexa said.

“I…” Clarke started to say.

“Breathe.” Lexa repeated.

Clarke wiped her mouth on her sleeve as she stood up a little straighter, Lexa didn’t move her hand from the blondes lower back as Clarke took a few deep breathes.

“I am such a mess…” Clarke said, shaking her head a little.

“You are not a mess, Clarke,” Lexa said calmly, “you need time to heal. Healing physical wounds takes less time than healing emotional ones.”

“Why do you care?” the blonde asked as she turned her head and looked at Lexa.

“You know why, Clarke.” Lexa replied.

In that moment Lexa’s Commander mask was nowhere to be seen, and all the answers that Clarke needed were plain to see in her eyes. The intensity of Lexa’s eyes made the breath catch in Clarke’s throat.

“What if I’m not strong enough to get through this?” Clarke asked, blinking as tears started to fall from her eyes, “I agreed to something that nearly cost you your life, Lexa, I…”

“Nia’s plan failed, Clarke,” Lexa said, softly bringing her hands up to cradle Clarke’s face, her thumbs softly brushing away the tears that were falling from the blonde’s eyes, “whatever it is that she now has planned will also fail.”

“You can’t know that.” Clarke said.

“I believe it.” Lexa replied with a soft smile.

“Why?” Clarke asked.

“Because I cannot let her win,” Lexa said, “I have put everything that I am into this coalition, Clarke, I will not let her destroy what so many people have died for.”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

The remaining drive to Polis was uneventful, and quiet. As soon as Raven had started to drive again, Clarke had sat back on the seat, resting her head against the side of the Rover, the gentle rocking of the vehicle lulling her to sleep. Octavia noticed how, when Lexa and Clarke had got back in the Rover, the blonde sat closer to the Commander. Though she tried not to notice, she also saw how during the journey, Clarke’s hand found Lexa’s. The Commander softly running her thumb over the back of Clarke’s hand while she slept. Octavia also saw how, as they neared Polis, Clarke moved her head to rest on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa knew that Octavia had seen all this, and as the younger girl once again looked at them, she raised an eyebrow in a silent challenge, which caused Octavia to shake her head a little before she turned her attention to the front of the Rover.

“Do you want me to drive through the gates?” Raven asked, glancing back at Lexa.

“No,” Lexa replied quietly, not wanting to wake Clarke, “you will have to stop outside the city, our roads are not set up for vehicles to pass.”

“So you just expect me to leave the Rover outside the city?” Raven asked in reply, the tone of her voice betraying how thrilled she was at that idea.

“I assure you my people will not steal your Rover, Raven,” Lexa said, a small smile tugging at her lips, “if you stop it near the guard post it will be safe.”

Raven stopped the Rover near the guard post at the gate, the guards drawing their weapons as soon as the vehicle came into view. Once they were stopped, Ryder got out of the front, telling the guards to lower their weapons. Octavia climbed out of the back, and waited with Raven and Ryder while Lexa woke Clarke up.

“Clarke…” Lexa said softly, “we’re here.”

Clarke sat up and blinked a few times.

“Did I fall asleep?” she asked, looking around the now empty Rover.

“You did.” Lexa said with a small smile.

Clarke stretched her back a little before getting out of the Rover, Lexa following behind her. When the guards saw Lexa they stepped away from the gate, allowing the group to pass. As they walked through the streets, Clarke could see both Raven and Octavia taking in everything around them. The blonde saw Raven nudge Octavia a little and motion towards a small group of children who were running around with sticks. She could see a small smile pull at Lexa’s lips as she watched her friends. Polis really wasn’t like any other place that they had seen.

Luna met them outside the main building, her eyes narrowing as she noticed Octavia and Raven.

“Has Nia arrived?” Lexa asked as they walked up the steps towards the door.

“Not yet, Heda,” Luna replied, “a few others have, but Nia is not yet here. I sent scouts out to await her arrival.”

Lexa nodded a little.

“Who’s that?” Octavia asked Clarke quietly as they followed Lexa.

“That’s Luna.” Clarke replied, “she’s the leader of…”

“The Boat People,” Octavia said with a nod, “Lincoln mentioned her before.”

“The Boat People?” Raven asked, looking at the two of them.

“The least violent of the clans,” Clarke said, “they were one of the first to join the coalition.”

“Least violent?” Raven said, “So that means we like them then?”

“Don’t let that fool you,” Lexa said, glancing behind her as they walked into the main entrance hall area, “least violent does not mean they cannot fight.”

“Does she have bat sonar for ears?” Raven said quietly, leaning closer to Clarke, causing the blonde to laugh a little.

Lexa looked to Ryder.

“Could you show Raven and Octavia to their rooms, please.” She said.

“Sha, Heda.” He replied with a slight nod, motioning for Raven and Octavia to follow him.

“I think I’m going to go up to my room,” Clarke said, looking between Lexa and Luna, “I’m tired.”

Lexa nodded a little before she walked closer to the blonde.

“If you need anything…” Lexa said quietly.

Clarke nodded her head.

Lexa stood and watched as Clarke walked up the stairs towards the room she was staying in, Luna walked up next to Lexa.

“You trust her?” Luna asked, as she saw the way Lexa was watching Clarke.

“No,” Lexa replied shaking her head slightly, “though I want to. While she was with Azgeda she was tortured, her mind broken. I am unsure how far Nia went. I don’t know how many more surprises lay in store.”

“Are you still considering allowing Skaikru into the coalition?” Luna asked.

“Yes,” Lexa said with a small nod, “it is the only path I can see that will lead us to peace.”

“Though you know that you are going to face opposition.” Luna said.

“I always face opposition.” Lexa replied as Clarke walked into her room, she turned to face the other girl, “have you talked with the leaders who are already here?”

“I have,” Luna said with a nod as she and Lexa walked up the stairs to the meeting room, “so far they understand what is at stake, though a few that I have talked to don’t seem to be prepared to go against Nia.”

“Nia is not the leader of this coalition.” Lexa replied with a sigh.

“You need to remind them why that is.” Luna said, a small smile tugging at her lips.

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

By the time night fell the scouts had sent word that Nia and the Azgeda delegation were setting up camp outside Polis, Lexa didn’t know why they hadn’t entered the city, but she was sure it was another of Nia’s tactics. Lexa was sitting in the throne room, contemplating how the following day would go, she knew there was a very good chance that it wouldn’t go well. The only way that she could think of to prevent a future war was to welcome Skaikru into the coalition, but she knew that the act of making them the 13th clan could itself start a war.

The decision to make Skaikru the 13th clan wasn’t purely political for Lexa, if anything it was certainly more personal than it should be. Though she couldn’t bring herself to regret her actions at Mount Weather, as she had done what she needed to do to save her people, she regretted the pain she had caused Clarke. She would never forget the look on the blonde girls face when she turned to walk away that night, it was something that she saw most nights when she closed her eyes to sleep.

Since Costia’s death she had lived by the mantra that love was weakness, completely taking onboard the lessons that she had been taught as a young nightblood, the seven words that were drilled into her. To be Commander is to be alone. Lexa had opened herself up to love before and had been left devastated when Azgeda delivered Costia’s head to her bed. Everyone that she had ever cared about had been taken from her. Her parents, Anya, Costia, Gustus. So the walls that she had built up were never meant to be broken down. Then she met Clarke.

The blonde girl had fallen from the sky and turned Lexa’s entire world on its head. She had pushed Lexa to be more, challenged her at every turn. Little by little those walls that Lexa had built to protect her heart fell, little by little she let Clarke in, only to have to walk away from everything that she wanted for herself to save her people.

Bringing Skaikru into the coalition would mean that she would never have to choose between Clarke and her people again. She would never have to choose between her heart and her people again.

A knock at the door pulled her from her thoughts.

“Yes.” Lexa said.

Ryder opened the door and walked into the room.

“The guards you posted outside Clarke’s room report that she is shouting in her sleep, Heda.” He said.

Lexa stood up from her throne and made her way towards Clarke’s room. She found Octavia and Raven standing outside, arguing with the guards that Lexa had posted.

“Firstly,” Octavia said as she saw Lexa, “why the hell are there guards outside Clarke’s room?”

“Watch your tone.” Ryder said, as he stepped closer to Octavia.

Lexa raised her hand a little, stopping him before he reached the smaller girl.

“Azgeda are outside the city walls,” Lexa said, looking at Octavia, “I do not know whether Nia poses any threat to Clarke, considering her original plan has failed, I posted guards to alert me to any distress that she may be in.”

“I call bullshit.” Raven said, crossing her arms across her chest as she looked at Lexa, “because to me that actually sounds like you give a shit.”

Lexa narrowed her eyes as she looked at Raven, she wasn’t exactly sure what the girl meant by Lexa giving a shit, the sentence didn’t make sense to the Commander, but she assumed that it wasn’t a good thing.

“You said firstly,” Lexa said, turning her attention to Octavia again, “that implies you have another point to make.”

“I do,” Octavia said with a nod, “why won’t they let us into Clarke’s room?”

“Because I told them not to allow anyone into her room.” Lexa replied, “the last time she was surprised by someone in her room she held a knife to their throat.”

Raven took a step back from the door.

“After you, Commander.” She said.

Lexa looked at Octavia.

“Do you really want to be the one to wake her up?” Lexa asked.

“How unpredictable is she right now?” Octavia asked in reply.

Lexa didn’t wait for Octavia to answer the question as she heard more shouting from Clarke, she stepped past the younger girl and walked into Clarke’s room. The blonde was tossing and turning in bed, the furs that had been over her when she went to sleep were almost on the floor, and Lexa found herself thankful that the blonde hadn’t decided to sleep naked.

“Clarke…” she said softly as she placed her hand on the blonde’s shoulder, “Clarke, wake up.”

“No…” Clarke said, continuing to move, “no, please…”

“Clarke.” Lexa said a little more firmly.

The blonde woke up, her hand gripping tightly onto Lexa’s wrist as she looked around the room frantically.

“It’s okay, Clarke,” Lexa said, “it was a nightmare, you’re safe.”

“Clarke…” Octavia said from the doorway.

“Make them go away.” Clarke said through gritted teeth as she looked at Lexa, not letting go of her wrist.

“Okay,” Lexa replied with a small nod, “but you need to let go of my wrist.”

When the grip on her wrist didn’t loosen, Lexa put her free hand over Clarke’s hand that was wrapped around her wrist.

“It’s okay, Clarke…” she said, “no one is going to hurt you.”

Clarke blinked quickly a few times before she nodded a little, letting go of Lexa’s wrist. As Lexa moved to walk towards the door Clarke reached out and grabbed her hand.

“Ryder,” Lexa said, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to make it to the door, “can you make some tea.”

Ryder nodded his head a little.

“Is there anything we can do?” Octavia asked.

“Give her some time.” Lexa replied.

Ryder closed the door to the bedroom and Lexa turned back around to look at Clarke.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asked.

Clarke shook her head as Lexa sat down on the bed next to the blonde.

“Okay…” Lexa said, trying to get her mind to concentrate on anything other than the way Clarke’s hand felt in hers.

“I killed you…” the blonde said quietly.

The brunette didn’t say anything, she just looked at Clarke, waiting for her to continue.

“In my dream,” she elaborated, “I killed you. We were in the meeting room; it was filled with people. My mother was there, Kane was there. Nia…”

Clarke brought her free hand up to her mouth as it appeared that she was going to be sick, but she wasn’t.

“She told me I had a choice to make,” Clarke said, “I could choose my people, or I could choose you. Then I had a knife in my hand…”

“It was a nightmare, Clarke,” Lexa said softly, “it wasn’t real.”

“It felt real.” Clarke replied, tears falling from her eyes, “it felt so real.”

Lexa decided that simply sitting next to Clarke wasn’t enough, and hesitantly put her arm around the blonde’s shoulders. The tears started to fall freely from Clarke’s eyes as she buried her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“It’s okay, Clarke,” Lexa said, bringing her other arm around the blonde, softly rubbing her back, “you’re safe, it’s okay.”

“I had the knife in my hand,” Clarke said, her voice muffled slightly as she clung to Lexa, “she was standing there telling me to do it, telling me that if I didn’t all my people would die. She was behind me… her voice grating in my head.”

Lexa didn’t say anything, she simply kept softly rubbing Clarke’s back.

“And do you know the worst thing,” Clarke said, pulling away from Lexa a little so she could look her in the eyes, “you let me do it. You didn’t even try to stop me. You had that look in your eyes, that look that told me it was okay, why would you do that…”

A knock on the door caused Clarke to jump.

“It’s only Ryder.” Lexa said as she moved to stand up, “he’s brought you some more tea.”

Clarke nodded and moved back from Lexa so the brunette could stand up.

Lexa walked over and opened the door.

“Is everything okay, Heda?” Ryder asked as he held out the cup to her.

“Everything is fine.” Lexa replied with a sigh and a nod.

Ryder nodded a little.

“Where did Octavia and Raven go?” Lexa asked.

“I believe they are talking to Luna.” He said.

“Okay,” Lexa replied, “thank you Ryder.”

Lexa closed the bedroom door and took the tea back over to Clarke who was now sitting on the bed with the furs pulled up to her chin.

“Here you go.” She said, holding the cup out to the blonde.

Unlike the last time that Lexa had tried to get Clarke to drink the tea, this time she didn’t hesitate to take the cup.

“How can I get her out of my head?” Clarke asked as Lexa sat back down next to her on the bed.

“The only way I know how to stop nightmares is to confront what you’re scared of.” Lexa said as she leant back against the headboard, “You cannot let the nightmare win.”

“But she’s not only a nightmare, she’s real.” Clarke said.

“I will do everything I can to make sure that she doesn’t hurt you.” Lexa said, glancing at Clarke.

“I don’t know why,” Clarke said with a sigh, “after everything that has happened in the last week, if I were you I’d just throw me to the wolves and see what happens.”

“Then for your sake I would say that it’s a good job you are not me.” Lexa said with a small smile.

“Why do you care so much, Lexa?” Clarke asked.

“You make it impossible for me not to care, Clarke.” The brunette replied with a sigh.


End file.
